Climate change is a big environmental problem that has become critical in last couple of decades

HELLO!!
i need some helps with an ielts essay with the following question:

Climate change is a big environmental problem that has become critical in last couple of decades. Some people claim that humans should stop burning fossil fuels and use only alternative energy resources, such as wind and solar power. Others say that oil, gas and coal are essential for many industries, and not using them will lead to economic collapse.

What is your opinion?

Support your point of view with relevant examples.

answer:

The argument of whether or not people should solely use alternative energy resources instead of fossil fuel for the preventation of climate change remains a polarizing one as some claim that these detrimental fuels are vital in several countries. In my personal opinion, I agree with the idea that fossil fuels should be gradually replaced by other environmentally-friendly form of energy since the consequences of climate change are unmeasurable and many developing countries have successfully implemented this method of environmental protection.

Based on my experience, we are too underestimating the adverse consequences that climate change are bringing about for earth. Firstly, global warming is one of the main factor causing ice at two ends of the earth to melt leading to the rising at alarm rate of sea level. millions of people in coastal areas have to suffer from this phenomena every year. Secondly, the increasing temperature cause a great deal of inconvenience and harm for motorbike rider health. The evidence has already been there for us to see, earlier this year the temperature in some amrican cities were recorded to be the highest we have ever seen in history which is horrifying. Considering those negative impacts of climate change which is contributed by fossil fuels burning, we really neeb to take action to minimize the consumption of these forms of fuel.

However, some people declare that it is hard or even impossible to reduce fossil fuels for other environmental-friendly ones as some nations truly need it for their operation and income. To my way of thinking, this idea can only be true in a world without globazation where communication and knowledges sharing among countries does not exist. Prosperous countries can totally help poorer one by transferring technologies, sharing information or sending environmentalist to spreading the idea of saving environment. Vietnam is a prime example, This country is just a small deveping country but with the help of richer ones, it is now able to apply many alternative kinds of energy like a field full of solar energy plants or a street which generate the electric from the movement of pedestrians to light up itself at night.

In conclusion, Despite the fact that some countries are counting on fossil fuels as a source of income, for the sake of environment sustainability, they really should pack in what they are doing and start seeking for the method of applying alternative energy from more developed countries.

END

I appreciate all the feedbacks on Task response, Coherence and cohesion, Lexical resource, Grammatical range and accuracy. Thank you guys all!

The essay is missing a convincing argument based on the writer's opinion. This is most likely due to the discussion deviation that occurred when the reasoning paragraphs were developed. The writer does not use convincing arguments that are based on relevant examples that would support his claims. The discussion therefore, comes about as more generalized in consideration. The lack of properly referenced examples to certain claims such as:


affected the reasoning presentation of the writer in terms of reasoning evidence.

Name the developing countries and the successful alternative energy programs they have implemented in their country. As this claim is a significant part of the thesis statement / writer opinion, his writing must highight this presentation in the second paragraph. Without it, the discussion is unconvincing and cannot be considered a fully developed explanatory essay.

Here is my opinion on your essay. I hope you consider all of them.
First, the first sentence of your introduction is way too long. This would lower your readability score, so I suggest you shorten it by just paraphrasing the first sentence of the topic.

Second, there are two issues that need addressing in the topic, namely "stop burning fossil fuels and use only alternative energy resources" and "oil, gas, and coal are essential for many industries, and not using them will lead to economic collapse". Therefore, in the second sentence of your introduction, you need to specify your opinions on both sides. But, it seems that you have only stated your arguments for the former side and forgotten the latter one.

In the first body paragraph, your topic sentence is irrelevant. What you should do here is to write a general statement about the possibility of stopping burning fossil fuels and starting using alternative resources. Because of your incorrect topic sentence, the first body paragraph is completely off track. This leads to a severe reduction in your TA score.

The topic sentence of the second paragraph is good, but I don't understand what the phrase " for other environmental-friendly ones" means, so this seems to be a mistake in your word choice. However, the entire paragraph here is off-topic again. You need to elaborate on the reasons why not using fossil fuels would lead to economic collapse. Instead, you are writing about countries helping each other, which is irrelevant.

Your conclusion shows little connection with your body paragraphs. What you should do here is to restate your opinions on the presented topic and summarize everything you have written.

There are many problems that need fixing.