Clothes, travel, film and music's online sale of four different retailers

The pie chart below shows the online shopping sale for retailer sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

New Zealand's retail sale 2003-2013

A breakdown of the proportion of online sales in four different retailers in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013 is revealed in the pie chart. Overall, the rate of online sales in both clothes and travel decreased while the reverse appeared to be true for the remaining figures. Also, the figure indicates that the biggest rise saw in the figure for film/music.

In 2003, the online sales of travel was the most favorite one at more than a half while film/music's online sales was in the third level (21%). In contrast, over the following 10 years, the former decreased slightly to 29% whereas a significant growth by 12% witnessed in the latter, making its figure overtake the travel retailer as the highest online seller at the end of the period.

Turning to other figures, it is seen that the figure for clothes occupied the second rate of sales at less than a quarter in 2003. However, by 2013, there had been a marked fall by 8% in the rate of online sales in clothes, causing it place the lowest percentage at the final year whilst a very small rise had only been seen in books figure.

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Hi @Ahmadham!
Fist of all, I want to say that I'm not an expert but just a student that is trying to improve her English. Anyway, I would make this corrections. I hope this will help you.

- "A breakdown of the proportion of online sales..." I'd write an introduction paraphrasing the statement given, instead of show the conclusion of the comparison.

- I would give an overview at the end of the writing and not in the introduction ("Overall, ...."), writing 4 paragraphs.
- In the second paragraph: if you want write in "British" English "favourite" is better than "favorite", that is American spelling.
- "significant growth by of 12%"

Ahmad, I think that this essay presentation of worthy of a band score of 7. It is highly accurate in terms of representing the pie chart discussions and you did your best to discuss the offered information. While I feel that some deeper analysis and presentation could be done in order to better utilize the information presented, you did a good enough job of removing the mechanical presentation feel of the data. Your opening summary / overview is also impressive because you knew to provide an overview of the information provided, along with a discussion outline, which you also managed to follow within your own presentation. Basically, the essay is admirable in both content and presentation, as far as I am concerned. However, it would have been nice to see a more threshed out discussion of the percentage points in the essay. Overall though, the essay works for its purpose in a manner that helps to increase your final score.