Unanswered [18] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

The most significant income in 2003 brought travel sector, with 36% of the online retail sale in NZ


nurannisaputry92 36 / 27 2  
Apr 7, 2016   #1
The Pie charts below show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.

A breakdown of the information about the sales of online shopping offers for household sectors in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013. Overall, it can be seen that travel dominated the sales in 2013. Although film/music took the least proportion in 2003, this number increased in 2013.

To begin, the most significant sales in 2003 was travel, which was 36% while 2013 saw a slight decrease of three-fifths. However, there was a sharp inclined in number of film/music. In 2003, the figure for film/music was much less than 2013, which was more than two-fifths whilst for film in 2013 was 33%.

Turning to another analysis, clothes took the modest proportion in 2003, which was 24% whereas 2013 witnessed a minority, with plunging to a low of 16%. Interestingly, book remained steady in the average percentages of sales at 19% and 22% respectively over the rest of period.




Hadiyati Fudla 9 / 14 3  
Apr 7, 2016   #2
Hi Nurannisa! Well-done essay! Basically, you write in a great way, makes the reader easy to understant. Here I will give you some feedback.

1. Your body paragraph is miss of main idea . How about this:

- body paragraph 1:
"To begin, the most significant sales in 2003 was travel. It was 36%, while in 2013 saw a slight decrease of three-fifths."

- body paragraph 2:
"Turning to another analysis, clothes took the modest proportion in 2003. It was 24%, whereas 2013 witnessed a minority, with plunging to a low of 16%."

2. You devided the idea per each paragraph well.


Home / Writing Feedback / The most significant income in 2003 brought travel sector, with 36% of the online retail sale in NZ