(coffee and tea purchases) - WRITING TASK 1 - TEST 1 (CAM 15)

Hi, I'm about to take the IELTS exam next moth, so I'm here to ask for helps
Could you please have a quick glance at my writing task 1 essay (bar chart expository essay)? I'm so grateful for your contribution. I'm also enclosing a photo, the dissolution is, however, quite low because of the website's regulations of limited photos' size. Thanks in advance

Here is my work!

bar chart expository essay

The diagram indicates how the habit of purchasing and consuming two types of beverage (coffee and tea) varies in five Australian metropolises in the past four-week period.

From an overall perspective, it is undoubted that the number of Australians going for a drink at local cafés accounts for the largest percentage in total throughout the investigated cities, while fresh takeaway coffee is the least favorite option. In addition, the gap between instant and fresh coffee choices in Brisbane and Adelaide is less remarkable than that of Sydney, Melbourne and Hobart.

To begin with Sydney and Melbourne, more than 60% of Australians living in those cities prefer drinking coffee and tea at cafés. Approximately 45% of people in Sydney are used to buying instant coffee, which is about 5% less than those in Melbourne. The number of citizens who decide to purchase fresh coffee in two towns stand at around 43%.

Regarding the remaining towns, 50% to 53% of Australian residents choose to purchase instantly made coffee, which is around 15% greater than the percentage of those who favor fresh coffee. Moreover, the habit of going for coffee and tea in Hobart constitutes the highest proportion compared the rest of cities, which is 10% and 15% larger than the two cities, Brisbane and Hobart respectively.

(214 words)

Have a good day!

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While you will not be scored less for writing over 200 words, the problem with writing more than 175-190 words is that you sacrifice the quality of your work. Allowing errors to remain because you ran out of time, or neglected to double check the presentation for obvious errors that can affect your GRA, LR, or C&C scoring sections. In this instance, the minute I looked at the image, and compared the description you used, I already saw an immediate TA problem. The presentation is a comparative columnar bar chart, you described it as a diagram. That is considered data inaccuracy and will show that you did not understand what the image represents. Do not offer personal opinions in the data presentation (It is undoubted that...) as there is no requirement for that in a task 1 essay. You should only report the facts as indicated, using your own words.

The summary overview should have at least 3-5 sentences in it. This should never be a run-on sentence because there are various information being presented, all of which require its own sentence presentation to help preserve the clarity of the summary paragraph.

From an overall perspective INITIALLY (Its better than buy words), ... largest percentageS in total ...
Brisbane and Adelaide isARE less ...

... at cafés.HENCE/THUS, ... people in Sydney the former area (avoiding repetition) are ... which is BEING about ...

..., FROM 50% to 53% of ... which is SHOWING around 15% ...
... constitutes BECAME the highest ...

Notes:
- reduce for using too much the words of "which is", its better if you use another option.
- Overall, you have wide range of grammars and vocabularies