Some commentators feel that grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren

living in an extended family or not?

Some commentators feel that grandparents should live together with their children and grandchildren,
while others say that elderly people should be encouraged to live independently.
Consider the possible arguments on both sides of this debate, and reach your own conclusion.
Task
People have different views about the issue of whether living in an extended family or not. While there are benefits to grandparents live with their offspring, there are also good reasons why it might be beneficial to accommodate separately.

On the one hand, the option of grandparents living with their children is attractive owing to several reasons. Firstly, the older grandparents are, the weaker they become, so sometimes, they can not take care of themselves. Therefore, the progeny should live with their parents to look after them, especially when they get sick or ill. Secondly, it not only helps households to increase the quality of life but also grandchildren living with grandparents can gain many experiences from seniors. Moreover, it is much cheaper than living in a nursing home.

On the other hand, there are a variety of reasons why it is favorably helpful that grandparents should live separately. First of all, almost houses in the hustle and bustle city are not large enough for the three-generation family. Thus, it is quite narrow to live together. Furthermore, the elder may be feeling alone because in office hours, their offspring go to work and their grandchildren go to school, so it is quite boring to stay home alone. Last but not least, they will feel free to stay independent. They can do whatever they want without being grumbling or complaining.

In conclusion, although both views certainly have some validity, it seems to me that it is better to live alone, provided that health and finances allow them to do this.

Your essay is confusing to read due to the lack of connecting words, proper sentence presentations, incoherent sentences, and little developed explanations. For debate essays, you must use the compare and contrast or advantage / disadvantage discussion. The way that you wrote this essay does not make it clear which of the two methods you used in your writing. It appears to be a mix of both.

When I write debate essays, I prefer to use the A/D method of discussion because it is better suited to a debate. In a debate, you are supposed to defend your stand first, then look for its weak points second. Once you find the weak points, you must discuss that in the essay in a manner that will shut down your opponent should he decide to do a rebuttal focusing on the perceived weak point or reason of your presentation.

You did not effectively think of potential questions that could be asked based on your presented advantage discussion points. You instead looked for other weak points to discuss in a separate paragraph. The focus of your discussion should have been on the defense/rebuttal side instead of the continuing pro and con reason discussion. Based on these considerations, I would have to say that you did not effectively defend your stance in the essay. There were several loopholes in your first discussion presentation that could have been defended effectively in the next paragraph instead of your creating other discussion questions based on the topic.

The essay asked you to consider your own conclusion based on the comparative discussion of the A/D of having grandparents live with their children. It would have been difficult to come to an opinion about it when you have different reasons to consider, but not the alternatives to the discussion points that you already presented.

Your discussion points are actually badly explained and not really developed as debate points. So the presentation is confusing to the reader. You are also using advanced words such as progeny, which did not really flow naturally with the presentation. In an actual English test setting, the examiner will look at your use of English words, in the correct manner. That means, the words you choose to use in the essay need to feel like it belongs in the sentence or paragraph rather than you just trying to show off the "big" word that you came across while you were looking for words to use in the writing of your essay. Using advanced vocabulary, in the incorrect method will not be helpful to your scoring considerations.