IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - I need some comments about grammar. Topic is about the use of the internet

internet users as percentage of population

The line graph compares the use of the internet of residents in three separate countries over a period of 10 years starting from 1999.
It is obvious that internet access of residents went through a growth in all three countries from 1999 to 2009 with a dramatic rise was seen in Canada. Another remarkable is that the percentage of people having access to the internet in Mexico was consistently lowest over the period surveyed.

In 1999, 20% Americans connected the internet, twice as high as the figure for Canadians, while Mexico witnessed only 5% people accessing to the internet.
From that time onwards, there was a considerable increase in the use of the internet in Canada and this figure exceeded that of America at about 45% in 2002, after which the former kept going up to the highest point of 100% at the end of period. A similar upward trend was seen in the USA with a fourfold rise to 80% in 2009, while Mexico seen a gradual upward trend in the proportion of residents surfing the internet and this figure peaked at 40% in 2009.

• 
  Screenshot2022101.png
  

The discussion development overall is choppy and incomplete. Reading the summary paragraph did not inform the examiner of all the necessary highlights. As for the summary overview, the lack of proper country listing in the summary has left the examiner wondering about how the trend affected all 3 countries. The work in this paragraph was careless overall.

Failure to write a proper comparison paragraph occurs when only a single descriptive sentence exists in a presentation. A proper task paragraph is required to reflect a 3 -5 sentence analysis at all times. Single image reports need only 3 paragraphs instead of 4 paragraphs (used for 2 or more image comparisons).

Writing in multiple topic sentence combinations shows that the exam taker is not familiar with proper English sentence structuring. The lack of proper simple, complex, and compound sentence presentations and the existence of only run-on sentences will further add to the failing score considerations of this essay.

@lequy1209
"with a dramatic rise seen in canada"... can remove the "was"
" Another remarkable thing to note is that the percentage (...) was consistently lowest over ..."

"with a dramatic rise was seen in Canada"
"in Mexico was consistently the lowest"
"while Mexico seen saw/witnessed an.."