Communications between different parts of the world

Please mark this for me according to ielts writing task 2 descriptors:
Prompt:
In the 20th century, contact between many different parts of the world has developed rapidly through air travel and telecommunications. Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages

Essay:
The advent of airlines and telecommunications has revolutionized the way individuals and nations interact with one another. From my perspective, the advantages far outweigh the disadvantages.

To begin with, the introduction of new means of interaction can foster cultural understanding. Specifically, due to increased mobility via airlines, individuals can now engage in international tours, offering an unparalleled opportunity to broaden their horizons about various cultures and ways of life. For instance, travelers can have hands-on experience by trying local delicacies or partaking in numerous festivals and cultural events. This exposure can assist people in adopting a more tolerant and respectful attitude towards other cultures, avoiding subjective judgment and stereotypes about other countries.

Moreover, this innovation can also lead to economic development. The inception of aviation has eliminated concerns about geographical barriers, enabling people to reach a range of destinations effortlessly. This incentivizes individuals to embark on journeys to different parts of the world, which promotes tourism. Furthermore, businesses can also utilize social media platforms, namely Facebook or Instagram, to promote their products, as well as connect with a wider range of consumers without incurring additional costs.

However, one notable drawback of this shift is the demand for adaptability. In order not to be left behind, it is paramount for countries to construct airports, equipped with up-to-date facilities and advanced infrastructure, to establish a global network. Additionally, it is equally crucial to develop an optical fiber system and conduct regular checks, ensuring high-speed internet access to remote areas. These practices demand substantial investment, which puts a fiscal strain on less developed countries.

In conclusion, despite requiring a great governmental budget, I still believe that the development of the airline industry and telecommunications yields more benefits as it contributes to beneficial rapports between countries, a deeper understanding of other cultures, and a more thriving economy.

There is no need to mention individuals in this instance since there was no reference to it in the original presentation. Your statement would be more prompt compliant with only the reference to nations as the subject. As for the rest of the paragraph, your writer's opinion is not clearly stated since you neglected to inform the reader regarding the short form basis of your opinion. The thesis statement is needed to gain a better score.


You need to support this statement with an example of intolerance. Either lead into this discussion or, present evidence of it in the last part of the explanation. Your earlier sentences did not support this claim.


The tourism asoect is good, but should have been presented last since economics is more closely tied into business rather than tourism.

There is no need for the 3rd reasoning paragraph since this is a single opinion essasy. You actually confused the reader with regards to your actual opinion in this case. You overwrote the essay and also, gave the examiner a reason to fail you in the task accuracy portion since you contradicted your own opinion in the presentation. Always focus on defending only your poont of view. Do not defend both sides.