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TOEFL essay (compare work of artists and scientists)



sheryl82 1 / -  
Feb 24, 2010   #1
It is generally agreed that society benefits from the work of its memebers. Compare the contributions of artists to society with the contributions of scientists to society. Which type of contribution do you think is valued more by your society? Give specific reasons to support your answer.

Art provides a lot of benefits and improvements to our society. On the one hand, art enhaces the beauty of our country through masterpieces such as paintings, scultures, and magnificent buildings. On the other hand, art is a vehicle for communication and push minds to think and reflect in order to create an aware society. Moreover, art stimulates our imagination and it could be a space in which our minds can escape from this noisy and complicated world.

Scientists as well as art have played a crucial role in the society. Their contributions have improved our life'styles, health, and technology. Scientists' discoveries help us in many ways, not only broadening our knowledge, but making our day to day lives easier and confortable.

For what concerns my country, I believe that art is valued more by the society as nowadays Italy is more known and famous for arts, fashion, cinema, and design rather than his scientists. For example, Renzo Piano is a master in the architecture in all over the world, as well as Valentino, Dolce&Gabbana, Armani in the fashion. Our brands in these fields are exported abroad and many people admire and imitate our works. As other result, Italy have a lot of tourists every year who come here to look up personally our gems and beauties of excellent and unique artists such as Leonardo da Vinci, Bernini, Caravaggio. Still now, art is considered more important than scientist. That is proved by the goverment who invests more money to preserve art rather than to put money in scientists' researches.

In conclusion, for all these reasons, I believe that my society consider more estimated art as people are educated to appreciate it and they can experience art every day. People should protect their beauties and be proud of them.

peter007 1 / 2  
Feb 24, 2010   #2
Hello there,
I come from china and go for Toefl, too.

I'm afraid there are too many spelling errors in your essay, and one easy way to check it is via MCROSOFT WORD. All you need is copy the whole essay into it and automatically it will give you useful advices.

In addition:
P1: ... art enhances the beauty of our country by masterpieces such as...
I think it's excellent to use the word "vehicle".
...it could be a space to which our minds can escape...

P2: I haven't see the meaning of using "as well as". I mean if this is P3 and P3 is P2, it would be better, I think. What's more you need more words like" though\although\even though" link the paragraphs together.

P3: You've developed well in P3. (I'm a fan of Leonardo da Vinci, maybe I will have a chance to visit Italy and I'll surely go and see his masterpieces. ha)

P4: I think it's kind of careless to give an ending like that. I mean, it isn't related to the topic and the main sentence isn't making sense to me. But after stare at it for a looooong time I figure out that I don't know where it is wrong. ... (Ha-ha^-^)

I am new here and want make friends. Could you please give me some advice and corrections in my essay, too? THANK YOU~
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
Feb 25, 2010   #3
Good advice, Peng!

I also think this essay needs an intro paragraph that talks about both artists and scientists. You can write:

Artists and scientists have contributed to society in different ways, but they are related to one another. An artist is a kind of scientist, and a scientist is a kind of artist. In this essay, I will discuss the value of the work of scientists and artists, and I will art is more important than science.

Then start paragraph 2, all about art:
Art provides a lot of benefits...

Also here is an error:
In conclusion, for all these reasons, I believe that my society considers more estimated art as people are to be most important, because educated people appreciate it, and they can experience art every day.

:-)


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