Hi Pey, I see that your introductory paragraph did not have any stance. Clear stance in the beginning is important, according to IELTS writing band descriptors, if you want a 7 score, you should "Presents a clear position throughout the response". Unfortunately, I only see that in your conclusion, which also unclear, because you wrote a comparison sentence like this:
I would argue that taught children in early age about collaboration with their study group far more crucial due to what they will endure in the future.
You did not compare the subjects clearly, let me give you an example "I would argue that teaching children in early age about collaboration with their study group
is far more crucial than teaching them to be competitive due to what they will endure in the future."
It is unfortunate that your last sentence also cause a problem because unconsciously you mentioned about "a good curriculum" in which makes the reader questioning your essay,
what kind of "good curriculum" that you are going to use?Overall, nice try mate, please do give more concern about your grammar. Use Microsoft Word to help you practice, it has grammar and spelling correction feature.
Hope you will make a better one after this, 7 more essays right? :D
Good Luck!