[IELTS] Task 2 : Competitive Sports are an important part of school curriculum!

Hi all,
People read my essay and make errors for me! Can people mark this essay ? Thanks you so much!

Some people believe that competitive sports, both team and individual, have no place in the curriculum. How far do you agree or disagree?
Give the reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
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Some people think that competitive sports have no place in the school curriculum. In my opinion, I think sport has brought benefits to student's physical and spirit trainings. Therefore, I disagree with this view.

Firstly, no one can deny that sport will help people keep fit and stay healthy. It has brought benefits to student's physical training. The students who play sport games and have regardless competitive ones or not will definitely help to enhance their muscles by involving in actions. For example, football, basketball or tennis often makes players move and move continuously. As a result, the players have a stronger and more solid muscles. Besides, some sports like swimming, jogging...are scientifically proven to reduce potential diseases and lengthen human age.

Secondly, sport has brought benefits to student's spiritual training. It is not only train students a determined mind of competition, but it also help them build a team spirit. In order to obtain the winning, they have to incorporate and understand one another in the game. Another way, it is a good opportunity to practice the ability of tactical co-operations between students. This is a very useful skill for students in actual future works.

Based on those above ideas, I can conclude how beneficial and necessarily useful of sport games, including competitive games in school. Consequently, competitive sports should be remained in school.

this doesnt make any sense, plz try to elaborate for this is polluting the sense of the whole sentence


it not only trains students a determined mind of competition, but it also helps them to build a team spirit.


Based on these above ideas, I can conclude how beneficial and necessary useful are sport games, including competitive games in school. Consequently, competitive sports should be included in the school curriculum.


what are potential diseases?


it must be spiritual training

and also according to the questions you quoted no particular example... plus in the first line of your threads, you have written "make errors for me"... it must be "point out errors for me" :) please dont mind it and dont take it as a critical approach.. just meant to help you... BEST OF LUCK... :)

I guess you have an idea about the essay structure for this task because you have already written a 4 para essay that includes introduction,2 body paras and the conclusion. However, I notice that there a few improvements needed;

Introduction; In this essay you introduce the topic to the reader and that is very good. However, you use the same topic theme, almost one to one, in doing so.(i mean your first line) It is highly recommended that you present the same idea in your own words without copying the same thing;

People have different views on including competitive sports in the school curriculum. While some believe they should not have any place, others argue that it is important to have them included.

The rest is fine in the intro :)
Second body para; You provide more than one reason but you fail to provide any specific example. (In your first body para, you have supported your reason with a specific example)

My suggestion for you is to have one reason per para and support it with a specific example :)

competitive sports should be remained in school!!
Overall good but you wrote down a new idea in conlusion part (it may decrease your mark)!