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Computer game destroys traditional game

faarasyad 7 / 15 7  
Aug 23, 2015   #1
Nowadays, children play computer games for long hours and they do not play old traditional games.
What do you think is the reason? Do you think this influences children in a good or a bad way?

Technology provided some application such game plays an indispensable part of way people life today. It tends to manipulate children as the primary target for consuming games and declines traditional-game trend due to addictive factor which is obtained from games. While attractive appearance is of magnetism more for young generation, less physical activity causing obesity and abnormal high blood pressure can be negative development.

It is inevitable that games online attracts considerable amount of attention because players who are more likely to complete the games have to concentrate for understanding game pattern. When it comes to traditional games, it has the same role respectively and encourages bored emotion for playing more than once. A 2013 Macquarie study has shown that computer game users in Tokyo, Japan devote their time to toy with computer as the latest trend for more than 10 hours per day and this drives them being isolated in front of their modern toys and far from social relationship in environment, since computer always outlays the latest trend nearly every week. Consequently, young people tend to be addiction for playing computer. It is clear that old traditional as the least trend is going to be left behind.

In positive side, computer games provided visual animation screen may be able to develop their level of imagination and can be done easily without any endeavors. Besides that, it is true that children would not be old-fashioned and up to date with the latest trends. However, it is undeniable that negative development of computer games can neglect social activities and attract to unhealthy lifestyle. It affects a rise of children obesity and hypertension rate in early age due to less exercise. Therefore, it is believed that drawbacks outweigh the benefits for children.

The aforementioned evidence examines that technology games on computer forcing children to play over time can destroy traditional game trends due to outstanding screen. While improving imagination level and trendsetter are going to expand children's brain, addictive and less exercise drive to dire impact for their health. It is imperative that youngsters have to manage their time in term of preventing disease, do some exercise by playing traditional games and socialize with the environment.

Aubreythefruit 5 / 8 4  
Aug 23, 2015   #2
"be negative development" should be "be a negative development"

"10 hours per day and this drives them" should be "10 hours per day. This drives them"

"addiction for" should be "addicted to"

"in positive side" should be "on the positive side"

"provided" should be "provide"

"screen may" should be "screen that may"

I would avoid starting so many sentences with a word followed by a comma. (For example, On the positive side, ... Besides that, ... However, ... Therefore, ...)

"technology games on computer" should just be "computer games"

"and trendsetter are going" should be removed and replaced with the word "will"

"children's brain, addictive" should be "children's brains, these games are addictive"

"to dire" should be removed.

"have to manage their time in term of preventing" should be "manages their time to prevent"

"do some exercise by playing traditional games and socialize with the environment." should be "by exercising and playing traditional games. They should go outdoors and experience the environment."
shintacandrade 10 / 74 87  
Aug 23, 2015   #3
Your introduction is quite good, but it needs a slight improvement. As such, allow me to rewrite this part:
Technology has revolutionized the way people life today, including games which children play. They are more likely to play computer games, and therefore traditional ones do not appeal any more to them. More attractive applications available and exciting elements inside are probably two factors why it becomes popular among kids. However, too much time playing such games may lead to health problems.

Hope this little feedback helps you...

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