Computers play a really important role since they were invented in the last century

Dear Mr/Ms,
Please kindly check my essay below and share your thoughts. Thanks a lot.

Computers as the most important invention. What do you think?

My essay:

It is said that computers have played a really important role since they were invented in the last hundred years. In my opinion, computers are the best tool that has been invented, however, we should not use them to replace all activities in our lives.

First of all, computers are the effective way helping people solve complexed questions relevant to mathematics. We now can use some extensions such as Excel to easily making calculations, report, etc,.. which is accurate and time-saving.

Secondarily, thanks to the internet, computers is the great tool that changes the whole world's communication. We can easily keep in touch with old friends who are at another haft of the earth via facebook, whatsapp, etc,.. Rather than that, people throughout the world can take classes or courses no matter where are they by attending online classes offered by various universities, institutes.

Moreover, computes have changed many aspects of economics such as sales, marketing,etc,.. nowadays, we can purchase everything and have it delivered to your home with only "1 click" and we now do see a tons of digital marketing tactics that help companies bring their products closer to targeted customers and we can easily find products or services that we are looking for.

Despite of the great role of computers in our lives, we should use it intentionally and do not let it win over all traditional aspects for example, we do need the old-school communication such as family gatherings. We should carefully protect our privacies whenever sharing anything publicly.

It appears that your response to the prompt is totally tangential. That is because the prompt discussion instructions asks you to respond to one question but you responded in a different manner. To prove this point:

OP: To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?
YR: In my opinion, computers are the best tool that has been invented, however, we should not use them to replace all activities in our lives.

As such, points will be deducted from your TA score for the inappropriate response and improper summary conclusion. However, you will be given a fair scoring chance based on your body of paragraphs that support your discussion statement.

You will lose points for unsupported reasoning in your paragraphs. You were being asked to support your discussions with examples. Reading of your text shows that you only gave reasons but no supporting evidence. The best developed essays have only one or two reasons strongly supported by connected examples in the same paragraph. Reasoning based on personal experience instead of a collective "we" presentation will always score best.

Remember, not everyone will have the same experience as you have had. That is why first person references to experiences as evidence for the reason would work best in this type of discussion. More so when the discussion instructions clearly indicate: ... include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. That is why I told you the "we" reference does not help in this instance. It has to be based on "me, myself, and I" instead.

Further deductions will be given for the GRA section. You are using conjunctions and ellipses in an academic writing piece. You are also not properly presenting your sentences in a mix of simple and complex sentences. The paragraphs all fall below the 3 minimum sentence requirement for a complete paragraph.

This is not a passing score essay. I know you can do better than this. I want you to prove it to me during your next practice test. Take the lessons you can learn from these observations and apply the corrections in your next test. I promise, you can only get better at writing from here if you really listen to the advice given and you work on improving your writing skills.

In this essay, I think you've opened a new discussion which is " Why we should not replace them in every activities " without giving enough details to strengthen your opinion. Instead, you've explained this opinion in your last paragraph, which is supposed to be the CONCLUSION of the WHOLE essay.

Furthermore, in the last essay, I can't see the relation you've drawn between computers and those aspects. Especially last sentence, "sharing anything publicly" doesn't mean we have to share them on computer. It can be on the road, on the social media, ... and stuff. Personally, I do understand what you aim to say. Having said that, in a writing task, you must make everything clear to readers and the examiners. Every sentence must be bonded and be clear.

As for me, you haven't completely restate the original topic. Bcuz play a really important role doesn't mean most important . And as I've said, you 've opened a new discussion

In your essay, you do have few grammar mistakes and sentence structures too. Therefore, you should put more effort on this.

Last but not least, your paragraphs in the body have problems too. Each paragraph should include at least 3 sentences . Yours seems to be too short; therefore, little information will be given

However, I think you do have great idea. It's just about the way you explain them. Just try your best and keep working. GOOD LUCK !