Unanswered [22] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance.

drjanck 2 / 6  
Jan 14, 2017   #1
Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

consumerization impact

Can I receive feedback on my answer it would be great help.

In this modern world, most members of society believe materialistic things are of great value. Some have their opinion that consumerization has uplifted our life. I believe, consumerism has both benefits and as well drawbacks. In this essay, I will give the overview of both sides.

Firstly, In this world of fashion, pupils are much more attracted towards the possessions. They consider their happiness in owning the brand products. For example, any cell phone can serve the purpose of call and or text messages but, nowadays, buying i-phone has become a trend.Secondly, people enjoy shopping and it has also become a hobby for few of them. For instance, whenever the off-seasons sale is put up by any store then these persons tend to buy things even if it is unwanted.Therefore it accumulates waste.

However, this consumer society has given the rise in the economy. This type of practice has created jobs for many unemployed people. Due to which they are able to earn their daily living and has less burden on the government to provide them shelter or even basic needs. On the contrary, country's own tradition is at risk. For example, in Indian culture, they had joint families but, now due to global openings for work, families have fallen apart in nuclear form for the greed of money and also to achieve a better lifestyle.

In conclusion, consumerization has both advantages and disadvantages. As majority take this advantage of worldly products it will continue further in our lives.
Aguirre043 - / 1  
Jan 15, 2017   #2
Hello! @drjanck
Your essay is good but one piece of advice is to eliminate, "In this essay, I will give the overview of both sides." and "I believe" because it makes your essay weak. It's always a bad idea to say what you are going to talk about. Instead try to write something like, "Consumerism brings both advantages and disadvantages because it helps create jobs but simultaneously creates greediness." And take off "I believe" all together its better to state something rather than say your opinion unless it asks for it:)
OP drjanck 2 / 6  
Jan 15, 2017   #3
Thank you for your advice. But I think you have not gone through the question, it clearly states give your opinion. so I have written 'i believe'

Could it be possible for you to score this essay?
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 11,712 3786  
Jan 15, 2017   #4
Janaki, I hope you won't mind if I score your essay. I will be scoring it based on the individual criteria that the examiner will also be using. So there will 4 sections of scoring below. I hope the scores can help you to further improve your essay writing.

Task Accuracy - 3 - The very low score is because of the inaccuracy in your restatement of the prompt instructions and topic. You also failed to present both sides of the essay in the discussion prior to presenting your personal opinion. In fact, it seems like you were only presenting your personal opinion throughout the essay instead of offering individualized paragraph discussions as the instructions stated.

Cohesiveness and Cohesion - 3 - Due to the inaccuracy in the task accuracy portion, your full discussion went wrong. Rather than a generalized discussion of the provided opinions, you ended up creating your own reasoning and opinion for discussion using elements that do not adhere to the prompt requirement.

Lexical Resource - 3 - Aside from the fact that you discussed the wrong prompt in your essay, your choice of words also created a problem for the reader, the use of certain terms, such as "pupil" when what you really wanted to refer to was "people". Obvious mistakes in word choice created comprehension problems for the reader which meant that the paragraph had to be repeatedly read before the examiner could figure out what you tried to say in the paragraph.

Grammar Range and Accuracy - 3 - the reasons for this score in this area are similar to the problems with your lexical resource.

I am really sad that you cannot score higher than a 3 in this practice test. I know that you failed it because you did not properly understand the prompt requirements. Since I have advised you on what to correct, I am hoping that I will see an improvement with your next essay. Hopefully you can avoid making the same mistakes.
OP drjanck 2 / 6  
Jan 15, 2017   #5
Thank you for your guidance.Will try to improve in my next essay.
ayuriska 7 / 13 1  
Jan 16, 2017   #6
Hi @drjanck , overall your essay is good, but perhaps you can use complex sentence for some statements. then, you should complete the essay with at least 250 words (your essay is 249 words)

could you post the complete statement of this task? because i just read the second view " Others believe that consumer culture ........"
pupilsperhaps using "adolescences or teenagers" are better are much more .....
then these personspeople tend to buy
this consumer society has given the rise in the economy. This type of practice has created,creating jobs for many unemployed people.


Home / Writing Feedback / Consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much importance.