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[IELTS Task 1] contribution of three sectors < > to the UK economy in the twentieth century

zeal 5 / 14 8  
Aug 12, 2017   #1
Q. The graph below shows the contribution of three sectors - agriculture, manufacturing, and business and financial services - to the U.K. economy in the twentieth century.

which sectors are influencing UK economy the most?

The given bar chart illustrates three different sectors which contributed to the UK economy over the period of 1900 to 2000.

Generally, agricultural and manufacturing sectors influenced in U.K. economic development during the first half of the century, but in the late twentieth century, business and financial sector was the major contributor of the economy.

To begin with, agricultural industry was the major determinant of the economy from 1900 to 1950 where its percentage were around 50. In addition, the percentage of manufacturing sector was almost comparable to the former one in 1900 with 47. However, in 1950, the market share of manufacturing industry was almost four fifth of that of agricultural market with just under 40 percent. In early part of second half of the century, the trend was apparently reversed where economic distribution of agricultural field was significantly declined and had nearly one third of the market share in comparison with manufacturing sector which took the highest position with almost 35 percent. Regarding business and financial sector, its market contribution was the least in the first half of the century with around 10 percent, henceforth, it gained dramatic rise and reached the peak in 2000 with 35 percent of the UK economy.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,662 4753  
Aug 12, 2017   #2
Mao, the format of your summary analysis is not very good. The summary analysis needs to provide a summary somewhere in the essay. For most exam takers, they prefer to place this summary in the first paragraph of the essay. You have a one liner overview, which creates an incomplete paragraph. Each paragraph must contain the minimum 3 sentence requirement as per the C&C considerations. The Task 1 essay is always considered complete enough to get a decent score once it presents 4 paragraphs containing an accurate analysis of the provided information. In your case, you compressed the whole analysis essay into 2 paragraphs with the second paragraph running too long and representing a limited amount of information from the chart. The chart itself offered you enough material to cover 5 paragraphs, which would have garnered you an even higher score. There is little evidence of an analysis running longer and more in-depth than what you just glanced at in the chart. This is not a very well developed essay and the presentation limits your ability to have an improved score in the end.
OP zeal 5 / 14 8  
Aug 12, 2017   #3
Thank you very much for your precious advice :)
I will try to write the next essays with your advice.
alishiraz 1 / 2  
Aug 14, 2017   #4
Hi Mao, I read your task 1 essay. I really appreciate some of your expressions but I have two other recommendations.

1 - I suppose it would be better if you could use simpler expressions at the begging of your sentences, in my opinion.

2- As @Holt said the last paragraph would have been better if it had been split into two ones.

Thanks a lot for your comments on my essay.

best regards.

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