Contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists.....

Hello
Here is my TOEFL essay, please comment and grade it. And if possible, please leave comments on my grammar and word using because I think they are very important to have a perfect essay. I am glad to read any words about your opinion. Thank you in advance

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In any society, the contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.

I am of the personal opinion that one should the contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers, it does not mean the contributions of artists and writers are less important and such an opinion is based on the reasons elaborated below.

I believe that the scientists and engineers are advanced countries are based on spread the science and knowledge, which I suppose can be best illustrated by in today's world the criterion to choose advance countries are the contribution of scientists and engineers that showed In 2014, the ten largest advanced economies the criteria for evaluating the degree of economic were the United States, Japan, Germany, France, the United Kingdom, Italy, Canada, Australia, South Korea and Spain. The reason of advancement these countries are the contribution of scientists and engineers in economic fields. Moreover, I think the contribution of scientists and engineers are always the high esteem (valid) in their countries, as in the case when I was studying the history of countries numerous of scientists and engineers have a good mental in my mind. Another point worth considering is the fact that powerful society is related to the contribution of scientists and engineers, for instance the countries that have a high contact between scientists and engineers have successful in the military such as the united states, Russia and china. Finally, I would like to say that I think the societies of rich to contain the contribution of scientists and engineers, like I could mention China, in this country got 60 percent of revenue by business which they were the result of contribution of scientists and engineers.

In order to wrap up I would like to reiterate that I think in any society, the contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers should be agree with the statement.

- I am of theIn my personal opinion thatone should the contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers, it does not mean the contributions of artists and writers are less important and such an opinion is based on the reasons elaborated below. ( this statement is very contradicting, I suggest rephrasing it.)

- I believe that the scientists and engineers are more advanced countries are based onand wide spread when it comes tothe science and knowledge, which I suppose can be best illustrated by in today's world.

- the criterion to choose advance countries are theThe contribution of scientists and engineers that showed In 2014, the ten largest advanced economies the criteria for evaluating the degree of economic werecame from 10 largest economically advanced countries such as the United States, Japan, Germany, France, the United Kingdom, Italy, Canada, Australia, South Korea and Spain.

- The reason of advancement of these countries are the contribution of scientists and engineers in economic fields.

- Moreover, I think the contribution of scientists and engineerstheir contributions are always the high esteem (valid)highly regarded in their countries, as in the case whenwhere I was studying the history of countries, numerous of scientists and engineers have a good mental in mybrilliant mind.

- Another point worth considering is the fact that a powerful society is also related to the contribution of scientists and engineers .

- forFor instance the countries that have a high contactregard forbetween scientists and engineers have successful in the military force such as the united states, Russia and china.

- Finally, I would like to say that I thinkthe societies of rich to contain the contribution of scientists and engineers, like I could mention China, in this country got 60 percent of revenue by business which they were the result of contribution of scientists and engineers.

- In order to wrap up I would like to reiterate that I think in any society, theThe contributions of scientists and engineers are more important than the contributions of artists and writers. should be agree with the statement.

I would like to add this last few words if I may;

Nevertheless, every person that belongs to a society, professional and non professional alike, are great contributors of building a nation. Every single day is a chance for us to be able to contribute and make a difference.

Naph, I have a few points for you;

- the essay is okay, you have a point, but sending a message across your readers may not be an easy task more so that this is a TOEFL essay for you, so keep on writing and read more to enhance your vocabulary.

- sentence construction, your sentences are very long and your loosing your point in the end, I suggest that you be mindful of using your punctuation marks and know when to separate your thoughts.

- word usage, you repeat your words many times in this essay, so many times that as a reader I don't see any necessity in doing so and in the end they are already misleading.

- logic and flow of ideas, you were jumping from one idea the other, you already lost your readers in the first paragraph of the essay and that's not good.

- I suggest re - writing your essay, proof read it and post it back here on EF so we can further help out.

Keep writing.

Cheers!!!