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Writing task 2 - in some countries, secondary schools aim to


rosadesiana 38 / 40 2  
Sep 22, 2016   #1
In some countries, secondary schools aim to provide a general education across a range of subjects. In others, children focus on a narrow of subjects related to particular career. For today's world which system is appropriate?

Some schools create a curriculum in common style, required the students to learn all subjects simultaneously, whereas the other schools focus on few subjects which support the students to develop their abilities related to their specific career.

On the other hand, general schools set the pupils up to face any possibilities in the next era by forcing them to understand more subjects in a period, in order to have capability on facing the future. Learning a vary of subjects will help the pupils to have an open-minded and an extensive knowledge. Also, affected to the improvement of their skills, their abilities will be improved along the lessons mastered. A wide side or intelligence can be measured from how much he understood, and general education system in secondary school provided this system.

On the other hand, a narrow of subjects is adopted by another schools. It centers the students to improve the specific skills which support them to be an expert in the major leads to the specific career. Such as, students in culinary school in France which focus to the culinary subject only, since they were at secondary schools. It gives them a deep understanding and a high experiences theoretically and practically. This mode or study establish their readiness to face the real industry. And create a high-qualified-skilled expert which ready to compete the others. This kind of school create a fresh graduation with specific competences.

Finally, in my opinion, whether apply the general educations or narrow subjects, depend on the goals and future being arranged by the student. If in the long run he plans to be a Chef, then it will be suitable if he focuses on the subjects needed in culinary world. On the contrary, if the student has purposes to keep on his study to university. It is better to learn the general knowledge. But in this modern era, the system appropriate to today's world is focusing on narrow subjects and be ready to face the real adult world, industry.

In conclusion, both of the system appropriate to different concept and expected result. I totally agree to adjust the narrow subjects system to schools all over the world to provide specialized-fully-trained generations.

Fatirtalent 12 / 19  
Sep 22, 2016   #2
Dear Rosa
You've done well, but here several comments for you. i hope it'll be helpful

1. their specific career >> their future career
i think i prefer to use word "future", because develop their ability will impact on their future ability/career

2. in order to have capability on facing the future. >> in order to have capabilities on facing the future.
capabilities prefer to subjects that you mentioned earlier in previous sentence
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Sep 23, 2016   #3
Hi Rosa.
See u again. In this moment, I will review contents of your writing. Let me help you. Please, you detect my notes and deal with them

Turning to the introduction, you have only written a sentence in a paragraph. Keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Actually, you can explore your idea to describe the statement of text above. Besides that, you can include your position about those two perspectives.

whereas the other schools focus on few subjects which support the students to develop their abilities related to their specific career.

MEANWHILE, THERE IS AN OPPOSITE OPINION THAT THE SCHOOLS.................. BASED ON COMPARING THE OPINIONS, I AM LIKELY TO DECIDE THE GOAL WANTING TO BE ACHIEVED.

On the other hand

please, you avoid the linking word twice.

Learning a vary of subjects will help the pupils to have an open-minded and an extensive knowledge.

You don't move explaining another topic if you don't review the previous topic yet. It has needed the supporting statement to strengthen your opinion. If you don't, it will seem like a layman's opinion.

from how much he understood

Avoid using he/ she in the writing. It will make your writing seem informal.

which focus to

Pay attention to the collocation of your verb. FOCUS ON.
I have found that you frequently have fallen the same mistake.

a high experiences

A VALUABLE EXPERIENCE

the real industry. And create

be careful of using comma or period. It is supposed to be comma.

whether apply the general educations or narrow subjects, depend on

DEPENDS ON--------------whether---------- V1+s

This kind of school create

CREATES ---------(Verb Agreement)

culinary world

THE CULINARY WORLD

both of the system

BOTH OF THE APPROPRIATE SYSTEMS

different concept

DISTINGUISH. Make you sure what you write is what you mind.
In the conclusion paragraph, you are supposed to write the suggestion to be a consideration for the readers

I really believe you will show the better progress next term
Keep spirit
Good LUCK

Happy writing
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