See u again. In this moment, I will review contents of your writing. Let me help you. Please, you detect my notes and deal with them
Turning to the introduction, you have only written a sentence in a paragraph. Keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least 3 sentences. Actually, you can explore your idea to describe the statement of text above. Besides that, you can include your position about those two perspectives.
whereas the other schools focus on few subjects which support the students to develop their abilities related to their specific career.
MEANWHILE, THERE IS AN OPPOSITE OPINION THAT THE SCHOOLS.................. BASED ON COMPARING THE OPINIONS, I AM LIKELY TO DECIDE THE GOAL WANTING TO BE ACHIEVED.
On the other hand
please, you avoid the linking word twice.
Learning a vary of subjects will help the pupils to have an open-minded and an extensive knowledge.
You don't move explaining another topic if you don't review the previous topic yet. It has needed the supporting statement to strengthen your opinion. If you don't, it will seem like a layman's opinion.
from how much he understood
Avoid using he/ she in the writing. It will make your writing seem informal.
which focus to
Pay attention to the collocation of your verb. FOCUS ON.
I have found that you frequently have fallen the same mistake.
a high experiences
A VALUABLE EXPERIENCE
the real industry. And create
be careful of using comma or period. It is supposed to be comma.
whether apply the general educations or narrow subjects, depend on
DEPENDS ON--------------whether---------- V1+s
This kind of school create
CREATES ---------(Verb Agreement)
THE CULINARY WORLD
both of the system
BOTH OF THE APPROPRIATE SYSTEMS
DISTINGUISH. Make you sure what you write is what you mind.In the conclusion paragraph, you are supposed to write the suggestion to be a consideration for the readersI really believe you will show the better progress next term