Criminals who break the law will get punishment, and some of them will be put into prison

Hi, all, could you help me correct my essay, thanks.

Topic :
Some people think that criminals should be given longer terms in prison, so as to reduce the crime rate. To what extent do you agree or disagree

My essay:

In modern society, law has been playing a vital part. Criminals who break the law will get punishment, and some of them will be put into prison. Some people claim that in order to decrease the crime rate, we should enforce laws by keeping prisoners longer in jail than before. In my point of view, this is a very stupid proposal that no one would like to put up with, including those advocates.

The major aim for government to set up sentencing policies and put offenders into jail to limit their freedom is to help them consider clearly about their crime actions and correct them if it is possible, rather than to trap them for a long time. How long they have to spend in prison depends on the seriousness of their crime. It is not "the longer, the better". Imagine being forced to live in prison for two years for minor offense, how would you act?

In addition, increasing penalty time also has many drawbacks, Firstly, in order to hold so many prisoners, governments have to enlarge the size of buildings, hire more people for administration purposes and pay more attention to their accommodation, which would inevitably increase the burden of nation. Secondly, although the crime rate will drop down to a low level, the total number of criminals will not change, which is meaningless for citizens.

In conclusion, although some people have done something wrong, they still possess basic human rights. We should not pursue the number of crime rate through imposing extra penalty on offenders.

Ha ha, I think it is funny and interesting that you called it a stupid proposal. :-)

In my point of view, this is a so stupid proposal that no one would like to put up with, including those advocates.----I added a comma and crossed out "so"... I think the word youshould use there is "very" instead of so.

The major aim for government to ....rather than in favor of to trap trapping them for a long time.

How long they have to spend in prison depends on seriousness of crime. It is not "the longer, the better". Imagine being asked to live in prison for two years for just stealing one dollar, what would you act? Imagine being forced to live in prison for two years just for a minor offense. ----I changed this, because it was a weird sentence. No one should steal at all, so this part of the essay is not so convincing.

In my conclusion, although some people have...

:-)

I think you might need to avoid the complex sentences,some times it just feel confused in your essay.
Keep it smple and clear.

Then, you might need to use more formal words in essay rather than make it in a oral style.

Idea is good. Hope it would help u~