Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost

In American sports, there have recently developed two philosophies. One philosophy is win at any cost. The other philosophy is fair play or sportsmanship.
Choose the philosophy you feel is prevalent in America today and give reasons why you feel that philosophy is prevalent.

Sports are not considered activity anymore. For players its their profession,passion and life. It has become multibillion dollar industry.Players earn well through match fees,sponsors, prize money etc. Whether its golf or football , it can be watched live by millions around the world.This fame and glamour is putting negative effect on players and they are believing on the philosophy 'to win at any cost' in order to maintain their reputation and fan cub.

This idea is prevailing in American sports. Due to which we observe aggressive and unethical behavior of players during the game.
Spotsmanship includes fairplaying, showing respect to opponents, abiding by the rules, accepting decision of referee and whatever the result is accepting it wholeheartedly.

Unfortunately our sports stars are forgetting these golden rules. Every now and then we see a lot of aggression and bad attitude during big or close fought games.

Players are even caught up taking illegal and ban drugs which they take to boost energy and increase performance.On the ground they often exchange harsh words and pass indecent comments to opponents which indicates their anger and frustration.This behavior have lead to fight sometimes, resulting in penalties or even suspension.

Arguing with referee is another aspect very often seen during matches, this attitude disrupt the match flow.

In my view coaches and team management should work together with players to rectify ground manners and encourage to show sportsmanship, rather then to teach to win only, as winning and losing is part of the game , do your best and leave the rest.

What a wonderful list of unsupported statements you have here. What say you go through and add some specific examples to act as supporting details to back them up, then repost?

Yes, and while you're adding the all-important specific examples, be sure to organize the essay so that your introduction and conclusion clearly state your thesis. Then we can work on grammar.

Yes you are right it can be improved with examples. It is a first draft , before going further I need u to check it for grammatical errors.

Thanks

You want grammatical advice? Don't use "u" when you mean "you."

Sean and I have offered our advice. Perhaps some forum members or contributors would check your grammar for you if you asked more politely, but we would like to see a revision of substance before beginning to tackle the very many grammatical errors in your first draft.

By the way, the usual procedure when editing an essay is to revise for content first, then grammar. The reason for this is that if you alter the content, you might end up deleting or changing existing sentences. So, if you had edited those sentences for grammar first, you would have wasted your time, since they would then be gone or altered enough to need more revising for grammar anyway.

Revised Version

Sports is not considered activity anymore. For players its their profession,passion and life. It is a multibillion dollar industry.Players earn a lot through match fees,sponsors, prize money and various other sources. Whether its golf or football , it can be watched live by millions around the world.Players are more then a celebrity , fans love them and want them to meet their expectations. This fame, glamour and fan club is putting negative effect on players and they are believing on the philosophy 'to win at any cost' in order to maintain their reputation and fan following.

I believe this idea is prevailing in American sports. Due to which every now and then we observe aggressive and unethical behavior of players.
Spotsmanship includes fairplay, respect and courtesy toward opponents, abide by the rules, respect decision of referee and in the end wholeheartedly accept the final results.Unfortunately our sportsmen are forgetting these golden rules.

Players take illegal and ban drugs. These drugs boost energy and enhance performance which give them unfair advantage over hardworking and honest players. One example is, Alex Rodriguez of New York Yankees who recently admitted taking steroids from 2001-03, as he was under enormous pressure to perform and to prove his worth.Football and basketball players are also found having serious steroid problems.

Passing indecent comments to opponents is another issue.This also lead to fights sometime, I still remember the fight between New York knicks and Denver Nuggets few years back which was started by mere pushing,but the anger and frustration turned it into a whole street fight scene.Consequently,both team players were suspended for upto 15 games. Obviously this kind of disruptive behavior come up when winning is all you want.

Arguing with referee is also seen during matches, interesting enough this is only when the decision is against the team or player otherwise they dont care what is fair and right.

In my view coaches and team management should work together with players to rectify ground manners and encourage to show sportsmanship, develop the ability to handle game pressure . Necessary steps should be taken to ensure players don't ruin the sanctity and purity of games by using performance enhancing drugs or by brawling. I advice players to do your best and leave the rest.

Xubis,
I don't mean to sound rude, but would not it be better if you knew how to correct your own grammar? Kind of like, teach a man how to fish saying?

There are a few websites that have the information you need to learn grammar rules; my favorite is, English Plus.

Noun/verb agreement please.


I don't know if it's a rule, but since you use a pronoun in the dependent clause "Whether it's golf or football," you should have the antecedent "sports" (or "athletics" or whatever) in the independent clause.


The reader knows that you "think" what you're saying, so I don't think there's a problem with just asserting your belief without the disclaimer "I think," which can weaken your statement. The second sentence was a fragment.


This paragraph doesn't flow with the rest of your essay; it's in the middle of nowhere, and while it's supporting evidence, it isn't expounded on well enough to deserve a whole new paragraph.

There are more grammatical errors that you should weed out. But in general, I think you may be just grazing part of the prompt, which asks you to tell why you feel this particularly philosophy is prevalent today. You almost mention it when you say "this kind of disruptive behavior come up when winning is all you want," and you have a wonderful platform to begin this discussion with the story of Alex Rodriguez, and his "enormous pressure to perform and to prove his worth."

Your last paragraph tell us what you'd do to change this condition, but that isn't asked of you in the prompt. I'm not sure whether or not you should keep it, though. But I am pretty sure that if you devote as many words as you do exposing the prevalent philosophy to telling us why this condition exists, your essay would meet the prompt better.

Thanks a lot catalyst0435

is there any grammar checking program , which is also free to use? Please let me know as I don't have sufficient time left for the test , I'll be thankful.

Unfortunately, becoming competent in a new language is a time-intensive process. You're just going to have to put in the time.

Computer programs are notoriously difficult to use as a grammar learning tool, unless you are dealing with ESL software specifically. But generic grammar checkers can only suggest when you might be wrong -- you have to know the rules yourself to be sure they are right. Pick up a grammar book, and start studying. Read a lot, too.