Admiring the foreign famous stars, and neglecting own identity
TASK : MANY YOUNG PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT INTERNATIONAL POP AND MOVIE STARS FAMOUS PEOPLE IN THE HISTORY OF THEIR COUNTRIES. WHAT ARE THE CAUSES? GIVE SOLUTIONS TO INCREASE THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE TO KNOW ABOUT FAMOUS PEOPLE IN HISTORY.
History is one of the most important parts of every country's culture. However, these days, foreign stars in music and movies seem to be better known among teenagers than historical people in their country. There are some reasons for this issue and I would like to suggest some possible ways to make people know more about the countries historically famous people.
To commence with, this issue comes about as a result of the globalization in this day and age. With the advance of the media and technology, people are able to assess to the for encounter especially through music and films. Secondly, that international stars are more famous is because of people's need of relaxation. Teenagers tend to listen to music and watch movies in their free time as leisure activities. As the foreign music may have more catchy lyrics and foreign idols and stars may be good-looking, young people are easily attracted and try to find out more information. One more reason that contributes to this issue is the fact that national history is not attractive enough to get youngers' interest. Historical documents tend to be so lengthy and boring that they can only attract those who are truly and honestly interested in, not most people. That is a sad reality among teenagers these days.
For these reasons that are some possible actions that should be taken to improve the situation. Obviously we cannot forcr anyone to stop listening to their favorite singers' music or stop watching their favorite actors' films. What we should do is to find the ways to attract more people to historical values. There are some comics and cartoons that are created based on historic events. They are so attractive and appealing that they can raise people's interest in history. This is a good and creative method that should be kept going on. Another way is that the authorities can organize an annual competition about the ideas to make historical events more attractive that can be applied in education. By doing this we can keep historical values alive and better known day by day.
To conclude, knowing much about international stars is good in some ways, as their music and films help you to relax and sometimes give you the motivation to live better. However, no one should forget their own origin, their own country's history, and so do the teenagers. Admiring the foreign famous without ignoring our history is something that we should do in order to integrate without being assimilated.
Hi, your essay surprised me. However, I found some confusing errors, be more careful and read again your essay before posting it
1....assess to the missing word the encounter... You should add an article here.
2. cannot forcr->force anyone..
3.For these reasons that-> there are some possible actions...
4. 417 words are too long for an IELTS task 2. Try to write fewer words.
hope my suggestions helpful.
Your first reason in the second paragraph is under-developed. You should remove this, since it has no use but make your essay run-on and contain more errors.
For the second reason, i think you should generally state the cause, then give an example. It allows you to strongly support your statement, and make it clearer.
There is no need to write "That is a sad reality among teenagers these days". The question asks you the causes and solutions, which mean you don't need to include your opinion.
You write a lot of words to present your ideas, but most of them are dispensable. So my tip is to shorten your sentences. Just pick the best ones among those you write.
You don't conclude properly in your conclusion. What you should do is paraphrasing the question in your words, and answer them concisely. Don't waste time on saying anything outside of it.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15461 There is no clear depiction of what the discussion format of your essay will be. This is dictated by the response that you will provide in direct relation to the questions being asked. This is a requirement that will help the examiner determine if you truly understood the discussion instruction and, if your reasons are truly applicable to the given discussion instruction. You have to show evidence of your English comprehension skills and that is primarily highlighted in your ability to properly restate the prompt and the relevance of your response to the questions.
Avoid using word fillers in your discussion paragraphs. You will score better in the Coherence and Cohesiveness section if your discussion begins with a relevant topic that is well discussed and defended within the 2 reasoning paragraphs. Work less on simply providing reasons and more on providing explanations for your reason. That is not to say that the paragraph you wrote is incorrect. It just lacks supporting elements. Mostly because you forgot that you are scored on the clarity of your explanation and not the number of reasons that you provide. You can write less and score higher as opposed to writing more, but not scoring well because you failed to properly explain your reason in the essay. Focus on a single topic discussion rather than multiple reasoning presentations alone.
The way you describe the problem is good and you have a quite concrete beginning, but in relation to the last paragraphs it's not clear your explanation in relation to the possible alternatives that can be given with respect to making the story more attractive for young people, so my recommendation would be that you extend more the explanation in the two methodologies that you propose.
I hope it helps!
