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IELTS Writing task 2 - Curfew effects on teens

prab0694 1 / 2  
Jan 17, 2020   #1

the restriction of teenagers activities at night


In the aftermath of the recent attacks on teenagers in Baltimore, the regional government has ordered to disallow teenagers from wandering outdoors alone after seven in the evening, unless accompanied by an adult. While many think that this has severely restricted the day-to-day activities of teenagers, I believe that the curfew should be imposed as a necessary step to ensure safety of the teenagers.

An unidentified group has been responsible for carrying out physical attacks on teenagers. According of the police reports, all the attacks on teenagers have taken place after eight in the evening. A teenager wandering alone at night is vulnerable to such attacks. The present curfew will help to avoid any further attacks on teenagers, particularly in the evening.

Moreover, the government allows the teenagers to be out of doors after seven if they are accompanied by an adult. The police report also mentions that all the teenagers attacked were alone at that time of the crime. Teenagers usually panic in such dire situations and are not able to defend themselves. There is little chance that the group will attack teenagers accompanied by adults since adults will be able to handle the situation more effectively.

Thus, the curfew does not completely restrict the movements of teenagers at night as an adult can accompany them in case of urgencies, while at the same time, the safety of the teenagers is ensured. This curfew will prevent additional attacks on the teenagers and should be imposed at least till the criminals are caught by the authorities.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 15043 4827  
Jan 18, 2020   #2
I noticed that your prompt paraphrase includes researched information. Do not practice writing these essays based on researched information. The testing center will only have LAN, not internet access. You will not be able to do research to help you with your writing during the actual test. In addition to that, this sort of question tests your current events knowledge. Read the news and familiarize yourself with the international news before the test is given.

Your prompt paraphrase does not address the requirements of this paragraph. There is no proper summary based on the generalized information that the prompt gave you. Your research, in this case, pulled down your TA score, instead of improving it because you turned a general discussion into a topic specific discussion. Changing the way the task is to be performed means you will receive deductions based on your inability to understand and follow basic instructions.

The better way to approach this type of essay is to use the 5 paragraph format. That is:
1. Prompt paraphrase
2. Pro opinion 1
3. Con opinion 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Summary of the discussion (conclusion)

If you show the examiner that you took 2 points of view into consideration before coming to your own opinion, you will have shown a clear ability to explain yourself in English and make yourself understood. That is the best way to maximize your C&C, GRA, and LR scoring potential. It will allow you to write more than 250 words in a manner that will impress the reviewer. Your essay will fail based on its inability to properly discuss your personal opinion regarding the given matter. What you wrote is more of a research paper rather than a personal opinion paper.
OP prab0694 1 / 2  
Jan 19, 2020   #3
Thank you! I noted your instructions and prepared a write-up on another topic. Hopefully this is better.

--- Many people get no exercise during working hours and in free time, and as a result have health problems. Why do working people not get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem?

--- Nowadays, people are so involved in their jobs that they prioritize work over all other activities such as exercise, relaxation, and sleep. It comes as no surprise that most of the working people suffer from health problems because of the lack of any exercise during weekdays as well as weekends.

The demands of the current work culture is such that people have to work for long hours to complete their duties. A recent study by MIT highlights the fact that approximately 85% of working Indians lead a sedentary lifestyle, clocking an average of 10-11 hours daily at their place of work. These working people are not ready to sacrifice even a little of their working hours for physical activities. Consequently, there has been an alarming increase in health problems faced by these people.

Even though all the working people agree that the absence of physical activities is due to lack of time, still the people fail to incorporate any physical activities in their routine during the weekends and holidays. There is ample free time during these days, however, these people tend to spend most of their time on smartphones and watching television. Thus, the same sedentary lifestyle continues everyday resulting in both short term and chronic health problems.

I believe that companies should introduce compulsory activity hours for the employees, and should keep some essential equipment in a separate activity area. People should encourage each other to take out time for exercise. Sporting events for the working people should be held at frequent intervals. Moreover, the government should arrange for exercise equipment at parks and recreational centers.

To summarize, though working people suffer from health problems due to lack of exercise in their daily routine, it is not an unsolvable problem. They should be encouraged to take out time from their schedule and include at least some activities in their lifestyle as that will ultimately benefit them in the long run.
Rwannajjar 2 / 3  
Jan 19, 2020   #4
First, it is according to not according of. Second, You may score 5 in task achievement because you addressed the task partially.
Good luck
OP prab0694 1 / 2  
Jan 19, 2020   #5
@ Rwannajjar I suppose you are talking about the essay on curfew. I understand that is not a good essay. However, if you can take out some time, pleaae go through the second essay i posted above based on some of the suggestions. I hope your comments will help me improve. Thank you.
trvaanh 10 / 20  
Jan 20, 2020   #6
I don't think it is necessary to write like this ... during weekdays as well as weekends.
It is quite prolix. Instead I think it had better to be during the days

I think you should use "In conclusion" in place of "To summarize" as it is more formal.

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