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IELTS WRITING TASK 2 What is your opinion about the curfew imposed to the youth in some areas in US?


CocoMo 1 / 1  
Nov 16, 2019   #1
Thank you so much for your attention!

CURFEW effects on teens



IN SOME AREAS OF THE US, A "CURFEW" IS IMPOSED, IN WHICH TEENAGERS ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE OUT OF DOORS AFTER A PARTICULAR TIME AT NIGHT UNLESS THEY ARE ACCOMPANIED BY AN ADULT.

WHAT IS YOUR OPINION ABOUT THIS?


A curfew is imposed in some areas of the America and it means unless the young people are accompanied by an adult, they are not permitted to go outside after a particular time at night. While some people might argue that the curfew undermines the freedom of the teenagers, I personally believe that the benefits of the curfew outweigh its drawbacks.

First of all, this law protects the youths from danger in high crime rate areas in the United States. Some areas in the US, especially south of America for example Los Angeles, have high population of Mexican and South African, where there is indisputable fact that frequent crimes are reported in these areas. In addition, it is undoubtedly that the youngsters are lack of security awareness to stay away from high risk areas and also they are not as strong and tough as adults to protect themselves when they face the criminals. Therefore, restriction of their freedom of going out at night is certainly necessary in some dangerous zone in the US.

Equally important, though, the curfew is proven effective in lowering the juvenile delinquency in some particular area. Apart from lack of ability to protect themselves, the teenagers are also too young to think critically and independently and to identify what is right or wrong. In other words, peer pressure and gangs can easily exert adverse influence on the young. For this reason, adults accompany and proper parental guidance could assure the teenagers would not be let to the wrong direction easily.

By way of conclusion, I once again reaffirm my position that the curfew has had a guarantee on the safety of teenagers because of the physical restriction to risky areas and it also has positive impact on reducing the crime rate in some areas.

Maria - / 1,102 389  
Nov 16, 2019   #2
@CocoMo
Hi there. Thanks also for reaching out to us! I hope my feedback gives you insight on how to improve your writing.

I don't necessarily have issues with the content of the writing. What I think that you should work on most is the usage of appropriate punctuation and capitalization throughout the writing. Noticeably, from the very first paragraph, it appears like the text itself is clustered with inappropriate transitions. The first paragraph's first sentence is just one run-on that should be cut down into different parts of text.

Furthermore, when you were relaying the base information for your body paragraphs, I have noticed that you struggled a bit in transitioning from point A to point B. I heavily suggest that you review again what you should incorporate in your writing to cultivate for a more enhanced writing approach that'll help you with the rest of the text.

Conclusion should also be divided into three different sentences from what I can tell. Be more concise, and use appropriate transitions throughout.
OP CocoMo 1 / 1  
Nov 17, 2019   #3
@Maria

Thank you so much for your comment!
It's so useful that I don't even notice this problem before!


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