The data concerning on the numbers of males and females who graduated in university in Canada

University Graduates, Canada

The illustrated line graph provides the data concerning on the numbers of males and females who graduated in university in Canada in the beginning of 1992 to 2006. At the first glance, it can be seen that females had the huge numbers of graduates rather than males, whereas both increased moderately among 15 years period between the year of 1992 and 2007.

In 1992, the proportion of female graduates were likely to be higher roughly 97,000 than males which were around 5 times larger. Even though it climbed markedly in three years later, it was a noticeably decline over the next 3 years between 1995 and 1998. Yet it went up substantially again until 2007, and it reached at the highest quantity for the remainder of the period.

Apart from this change, the number of male graduates had a steady rise approximately 75.000 over 1995, yet it dropped moderately over three years, and it fluctuated until 2001. Surprisingly, it had an upward trend which reached at 95.000 indicate as the highest level of male graduates in the end of the period.

By. Nella Tewu

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Hi, Nella!
Is it an essay for IELTS Writing Part 1? Looks like that. If so, you are not supposed to use such words as 'surprisingly' because you don't need to interpret the data.

I've spotted the following mistakes which are easy to correct: 'concerning on the'; 'Canada in at the beginning' ; ' it was a noticeablye decline'; 'reached at the highest'. (but there are also more complicated ones concerning sentence structures).