These days, the percentage of older people in the population structure has been increasing rapidly

Ielts writing task 2 - Aging population

I have tried to improve some mistake from the last work. Hope you guys can give me advice for this piece of writing
Some people believe that aging population is good for business, the economy and society. Others, however, disagree with this view. Discuss both view and give your opinion.

These days, the percentage of older people in the population structure has been increasing rapidly. This trend leads to both positive and negative effects that will be discussed in this essay.

On the one hand, the aging population brings about numerous advantages, economically and socially. First of all, senior workers have loads of practical skills and experience, which can be passed on to their counterparts. Take the teacher as an example; a senior teacher with a long time working has more experience in dealing with problematic children and the teaching method. Moreover, in a diverse working environment, the collaboration between the young and old helps improve productivity, increasing profits, and boosting economic growth. When it comes to the social aspect, older people are more likely to attend community service projects and voluntary activities, such as the local environment campaign.

On the other hand, it is believed that the aging population somewhat can prevent the nation's development. Older workers tend to be less creative and innovative than younger colleagues. They often find difficulties keeping up with the latest technology, which impacts companies' productivity adversely. One more problem is the higher proportion of aging working people, the higher the unemployment rates. The youth have little chance to have a well-paid job when many jobs are full-filled by senior workers. For this reason, a large number of young people are forced to be unemployed and take a low-paying job that is below their abilities.

In conclusion, regardless of some drawbacks, In my opinion, the advantages of the aging population outweigh the disadvantages, and there are various ways to take advantage of the older population to gain benefits for the society.

( 277 words )

For this essay, you should be writing more towards the 300 word mark. However, most experts consider the 290 word mark the maximum word count in terms of scoring consideration. It just works best for this type of essay. Why?

Each paragraph you write needs to reflect your personal opinion of the given public discussion point. I see that you are considering the public opinion in the discussion but, you fail every time to give a personal opinion in the paragraph. You need to have a variation of third and first person pronouns in the essay. The third person pronoun is used to signify the public discussion points prior to the transition to your personal opinion in the paragraph. You have to make sure that you separate the 2 opinion presentations. Make it clear to the examiner that you are first, considering the public point of view and then, second, present your personal opinion of that pov.

It is improper of your to present your personal opinion in the concluding paragraph. It is either you present the personal opinion as a part of the 2 reasoning paragraphs (4 paragraph essay format) or, as a stand alone paragraph before the conclusion (5 paragraph essay format). The conclusion should be used to remind the reader of the important topic and discussion points before you close the essay.

I believe that you should put your opinion in the introduction, right after paraphasing the topic. The conclusion is used only for the summary of the points that you gave in your essay. Moreover, there are some good points in your essay but I think you should clarify it a little more.

Hope this helps