Ielts; demand for electricity in England, common consumer usage

The graph below shows the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart shows how electricity is used in an average English home.

Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

England's electricity essay

The graph illustrates English's usage of electricity during summer and winter's ordinary days. Meanwhile, the pie chart compaes the purposes that this energy is used for in a typical household in England. As can be seen in the illustrations, electricity is used for mainly 4 sections of devices with the amount of which is significantly higher in winter than in summer.

In winter, people tend to consume electricity up to 48000 units, the highest rate of the entire season, in 22 hours while there is just more than 30000 units of it is used in approximately 8 hours, which is, in contrast, the lowest point of the time. On the other hand, the highest and lowest figures for summer are 20000 units in 13 hours and 12000 in 9 hours respectively.

Consumers seem to use the energy mostly to manipulate heating systems. Such activity accounts for more than a half of the chart. On the contrary, lighting/ TV/ radio sector makes up just 15%, being equal to vacuum clearners/ food mixers/ electric tools section.

I will be utterly grateful if you score my essay too.

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Tran, there are two types of measurements provided for you to summarize. The instructions state that you must make comparisons where relevant as an additional discussion. All I see in the essay that you wrote are individualized summaries of the graph and chart. The comparison part was omitted in your essay. That is one major point deduction for your essay. Next, each paragraph is just composed of run-on sentences instead of individualized sentences that create a point of understanding for the reader. Since you are expected to write in complete paragraphs, expect some major points loss for this oversight as well. Finally, you decided to take too many shortcuts with your discussion. There was a failure for you to use all of the important numerical data provided in both images. At the rate your essay messed up, there may not be any score left to give you. You can probably get a score of 4 at the most for this essay. I am not sure why you performed this way in the creation of this essay. I had hoped to see some marked improvement on your part by now that would have resulted in at least a 6 score for your essay work.

Thank you for your advice. It will help me a lot.