Dependance on mobile phones. Everyone is using them more or less intensively.

USING MOBILE PHONES

Anybody can use a mobile phone to answer the work and personal calls at any time or 7 days a week. Does this development have more positive or negative effects on both individuals and society?

In recent years, the population of mobile phones has been making a great deal of public controversy due to its substantial impacts on human lifestyle. Although the idea that mobile phones do more harm than good appears reasonably, they bring more positive effects overall.

There are a number of reasons why the mobile phones are necessary to the individuals in daily life. First, using mobile phones is one of the most efficient and inexpensive ways to communicate with others. Before the appearance of mobile phones, delivering a message from a location to another would require the physical travels, costing unnecessary time, efforts and money. Second, people can use mobile phone as a convenient tool to caught information and news worldwide faster. For example, mobile phone users easily read news on their devices, reducing fee and time for buying a newspaper or magazines.

Another compelling reason for using mobile phones is that they bring a number of advantages to the society. In fact, mobile phones have functions that enable users to keep contact, thereby promoting the social behaviors and strengthening the social connections. For instance, people are more likely to lose important contacts or even forget one another if they do not use cell phones. In addition, since the industry of mobile phones has been creating more jobs and new positions, it plays a significant role in the development of society. In some countries, this industry has an extraordinary innovation and expansion, contributing to a large part of GPD and the income of citizens every year.

In conclusion, the upsides of mobiles phones still outweigh their disadvantages. Everyone should learn to use mobile phones efficiently instead of apperceiving them.

@tieunuhuyenbi207
I think you should discuss some negative effects. You were supposed to discuss arguments from different points of view before building your opinion!

Huynh, you properly discussed the prompt by choosing to discuss only one side of the issue. This is a clear instruction based upon the existence of the word OR in the instruction sentence. There was no requirement to discuss both sides then offer a personal opinion. This is a personal opinion essay only. It is not a comparative discussion essay.

There are only 2 problems with your essay at this moment. The first, is that your topic paraphrasing is not aligned with the original as you indicated "a great deal of controversy" when the original prompt only presented a discussion topic, no controversy attached to it. It does not help your essay when you exaggerate the original topic for discussion because it shows that you do not have the ability to truly understand an English sentence and that you tend to over sensationalize a discussion due to your lack of English comprehension skills. Your instruction paraphrase however, is acceptable. Here is how the topic paraphrase should have gone:

These days, it is not uncommon for people to respond to work and personal notifications coming from their cellular phones. This allows the public to stay in contact with one another during the week, including weekends. Although the idea that...

Fixing the topic presentation to be more in line with the original discussion, plus your appropriate instruction restatement would have increased your TA score.

Now, you have a tendency to score lower in the C&C section of the essay because you try to discuss multiple ideas in one paragraph. You are actually only allowed to discuss up to 3 reasons in this essay within the body paragraphs, which will represent one idea per paragraph. You have to use only one idea per paragraph because you need to fully explain and support your reasoning behind your topic sentence. Right now, you only have representations of ideas, not fully understandable and logically acceptable reasons because you only list the reasons without a solid explanation to support it. That is what happens when you discuss one too many reasons in a paragraph that only allows for a maximum of 5 sentences each.

Finally, we careful of your vocabulary use as this could result in a failing LR score. The term "apperceiving", is a verb that means "to perceive (something) in terms of past experience." That is not a term that falls within the context of the discussion you are presenting. Do not try to impress the examiner by using "big" words when you are not sure of when or how to use them. That will only adversely affect your overall score. Specifically, the LR score. Using simple English words that get your point across would have been a far more effective method of closing your essay.