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A descriptive paragraph about a place that makes you feel safe/happy

xhang24 3 / 5 2  
Sep 26, 2017   #1

my familiar, comfortable place

Places that put you at ease must be a place that is endearing and familiar to you. In my case, it is no different. My safe zone is no other but the living room of my house. It is nothing too fancy, a casual mediocre living room painted creamy white on all four walls with a ceiling fan that every Hanoi house built in the late 1990s and early 2000s has. After going through some major refurbishing, there are differences here and there but magically, the atmosphere has stayed the same ever since I was first there in the house. I can recall well what happened on my sixth birthday on that used-to-be-a-disheveled-wooden-chair brown high-end sofa, what in the display cabinet was but now a grandfather clock. It feels as if everything stays the same but also it does not. However, there is something about the living room that is invariant-its usage as a garage in addition to the traditional one. Two to three motorbikes always occupy the living room, making it a little crammed perpetually. As a consequence, even if I am alone, I do not feel lonely at all. The ideal time to spend in the living room for me is working daytime or midnight. At noon, when I come home from school, there is only me and myself, taking nap and skipping lunch, nothing matters anymore. It is just absolute relaxation. On the other hand, midnight is a little bit more melancholy. Only after heated arguments with parents or stressful work that I go downstair to lay myself down on the sofa, and there I can do whatever I want, cooking instant noodles, watching whatever is on on TV or simply laying there motionlessly, just to suppress the negative feelings. My living room can offer things that no other luxurious hotels can. And despite how much adventurous and wanderlust I am, always seeking for new experiences in new places, this specific room, the room where I first started crawling, walking, and talking, always has an exceptional charm to me.

Well, this is my attempt in practicing creative writing to prepare for my college application. Please help me out! Every idea and comment is welcomed!
diligentwriter 3 / 3  
Sep 26, 2017   #2
Places that put you at ease must be...... I think you should use singular.

It is nothing too fancy, a casual ..... using "not" is better i guess. run-on sentence

After (...) refurbishing, there are .......... Participle sentence. be careful to your noun

It feels as if everything stays the same but ........... subjunctive mood

there is only me and myself this sentence is directly translated from chinese = =+

As a native madarin speaker as you are, i can totally understand. But I do not think other can
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 14,797 4780  
Sep 27, 2017   #3
Hang, your creative writing attempt is too one dimensional. What I mean by one dimensional is that you had only one focus throughout the essay which did not really engage the reader because it did not require all of the human senses to be engaged. A truly effective descriptive essay would take advantage of the sights, sounds, smells, and other unique aspects of the place that makes you feel safe. Each description needs to tie into a reason otherwise, you are not really explaining why the living room of your house is a safe zone for you. I learned what your living room looks like. In fact, I even learned about the description of your house. Yet, when it comes to the reasons why you feel safe in this place, I cannot find a strong reason why you would say that. You are not describing a safe place, you describing a place where you relax. A safe place is different from a relaxing place. While it might sound the same in purpose, the emotional and physical differences between the word safe and relax are what set the descriptive essays for each apart. So, regardless of the grammatical and punctuation problems in your essay, those are minor problems compared to the big problem of you not properly responding to the prompt. The prompt asks you to describe a safe place, not a place where you relax. You have to understand what the prompt is asking for and respond to it properly before you can even begin to draft your essay response. In this essay, you used 2 descriptive terms in the title, each of which is different in approach. So you need to make sure that you are responding to the correct essay prompt. Which is it? A place where you feel safe? A place that makes you happy? Or a place where you can relax? Note that for each prompt, a different essay presentation approach will be required for the discussion.

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