Please comment, check, and correct my Grammar dan Vocabulary ^^
a near future for graduated students
The diagram indicates the number of destination of UK graduation and postgraduation in 2008, in this case full - time work people are excluded.
Categories of Further study was the highest popular destination of UK graduation and postgraduation, with 29.665 people for graduation level and 2.725 people for postgraduation level. For all other categories, part time are the second highest of destination of UK graduation and postgraduation. Graduation level reached more than postgraduation level with estimate to 17.735 people compared with 2.535 people.
Unemployement people were approximately twice as high as people who take further study for both levels. Unemployement people of graduation level are over 15.000 people as opposed to postgraduation level who numbered over 1.500 people.
Finally, the figures demontrated that between graduation level and postgraduation most prefer to take further study. Also, Part time were biggest choice among graduation and post graduation level in UK. However, a fraction of both levels take voluntary work eventhough the number of unemployment is higher than people who take voluntary work.
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Nindy, next time you post your essay, please make sure to include the illustration for my reference. I do not have the ability to confirm the validity of the information in your presentation without it. It will be impossible to accurately score your work as well due to the lack of base points for consideration. With regards to your essay, I can only comment on the formatting style because that is what I can see and rate without the need for the graph.
Your writing style inconsistent. All of your paragraphs must have at least 3, but no more than 5 sentences per paragraph. That is the requirement that can allow you to properly summarize the illustration you were provided and also, offer a clear explanation of the information to the reader. Note that your essay does not have a consistent discussion based upon the sentence requirement.
You were neglectful of the sentence formatting requirements in this essay. Only the first word of every sentence, as well as the indication of proper nouns must be capitalized. Your work carries misplaced capitalized words or words that are not at the beginning of the sentence and do not qualify as proper nouns within certain paragraphs and sentences.
Make sure that you space your paragraphs properly. Paragraphs 1 and 2 are not accurately separated and that such, looks like you did not proof read your essay before submission. Perhaps you meant to include the second paragraph with the first part of the essay?
All of the problem points that I have pointed out here have a direct effect on your final score. So make sure to avoid these problems next time.
Overall, it is good writing but I have several notes for you.
1. You should better to post the graph you described. It will make peer-review much clear and easy to understand.
2. Grammar errors and misspellings frequently are found so that it is so disrupted point from GRA and lexical resourse.
For instance :
- Categories of Further study was the highest popular = improper subject verb agreement
- part time are the second highest = improper subject verb agreement ; time scale should be considered
- people who take further study = time scale should be considered
- Unemployement people of graduation level are over 15.000 people = time scale should be considered
demontrated = demonstrated
- Finally = It is not common to start conclusion paragraph. Best to try to sum up, to conclude, in summary, etc
- graduation level and postgraduation most prefer to take further study = it has no verb in this sentence
- with estimate to 17.735 = estimation of
- Unemployement people = unemployed people *unemployement belong to noun category
3. I assume you performed inconsistent manner of writing style that shows randomly systematic order such unequall number of sentences in body paragraphs
4. Repition occured much time in several parts such as graduation, postgraduation, people. Just try to make variation with different group of classes for example graduate, students, workers etc.
5. You used rarely linking words to each paragraph. It makes your writing doesn't look natural. So next time you wish to write an essay, do not hesitate to put them such as moreover, furthermore, however, in contrast, etc. Many accurate use of those words, it drive to increase cohession, one of four criteria assesments in IELTS test.