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UK graduates and postgraduates participating in four different kinds of jobs after finishing college


Minh2903 6 / 13 3  
Aug 16, 2018   #1

Bar chart about UK graduates and postgraduates in UK in 2008



The bar charts compare the numbers of UK graduates and postgraduates participating towards 4 different kinds of jobs after finishing College in 2008.

As conspicuous from the statistics, in both groups, most of the students chose to pursue higher education, while a third of them were unemployed after graduation. It is also noteworthy that only a small number of students decided to do voluntary work.

In terms of UK graduates, a majority of students want to study further, which stood at 29,665, nearly double that of those who were in unemployment and those took part in part-time jobs, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively. There were merely 3,500 students becoming volunteers.

Regarding UK postgraduates, even though the number of these students was signification lower than that of graduates, the situation was similar as the figure for students deciding to obtain a higher degree was also the highest, at exactly 2,725. Additionally, 2,535 students did part-time employment, which was slightly more than those students who did not join the workforce, at 1,625. Lastly, the figure for student joining voluntary communities was the lowest, at only 345.

(184 words)




Holt [Contributor] - / 7,633 2024  
Aug 17, 2018   #2
Min, first up, you are starting to use a memorized phrase here. You have used the phrase "As conspicuous from the statistics" in more than one analytical essay presentation here. That means you are becoming too comfortable with using that word and you do not feel a need to change it up. Try to vary your "trending" statement by using phrases like:

The image shows a steady...
Based on the most obvious trend...
When considering the graph, there is an understanding that...
Seeing the (fill in the blank), the trend is therefore...

You need to change up your presentation during practice so that you will do that automatically during the test. Varying your trending statement presentation will help you increase your GRA score because of the complex sentence requirement of that criteria. That can be achieved by showing off your ability to vary your sentence presentations.

There are only a few pieces of missing information in your summary overview such as the types of jobs the graduates and post graduates flock to for employment upon completion of their course. You need to mention that because it is specified in the chart as "titles" and therefore have a degree of importance in terms of information presentation.

Your second paragraph is a run - on sentence. You should have divided those sentences, as far as I can tell, into 3 or 4 interconnected but individualized sentence presentations in the same paragraph. That way your GRA score would have again, found itself being increased in scoring possibility. BTW, towards the end of the third paragraph, where you indicate the volunteers, you can remind the reader that you are discussing graduates as volunteers, just to serve as a final reminder of the main topic for discussion in that paragraph. You could also do the same thing in the fourth paragraph. It helps to give the reader a reminder placement or topic holder in the paragraph discussion.

Overall, I would have to say that this essay has potential. You just need further guidance regarding content and sentence presentation improvement to help boost your scores.
emilakam 2 / 3  
Aug 17, 2018   #3
@Minh2903

Paraphrase:

number of UK graduates and postgraduates in terms of ( work they did /4 different kinds of job taken ) after they completing their degree in the year 2008.

most majority of the students chose to

In overview, don't write third of them were unemployed after graduation. I'm not sure if it correct. You can replace it with more eye catching feature like, the proportion of part time workers were higher among graduates than post graduates

Next, in paragraph 3, I would say use more vocabulary to express the amount of change. Also, paraphrase: In terms of UK graduates= As for UK graduates

Plus there is lot of repetition of word "at" to describe changes in numbers like at 1,625, at exactly 2,725, at 16,235 and 17,735, respectively etc.To avoid repetition use synonyms.


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