Destination of UK students - IELTS Writing Task 1:Cambridge IELTS Book 10,Test 3

(Question is attached ;please refer the question and give a feedback in my writing .Many many thank you so much.)

Given two bar chart shows destination of undergraduates and postgraduates student of the UK,other than full-time work in the year of 2008.

Majority of both undergraduate and postgraduate students went for higher studies. Almost thirty thousand of graduate students opted for further study and 2725 postgraduate student went for higher studies. There was significant difference between the student undergoing part-time work and higher studies among the undergraduate.While, for postgraduate ,there was negligible difference. Almost eighteen thousand undergraduate students took part-time job compare to the twenty-five hundred postgraduate.

Student opting for voluntary work was low in both the cases.While large proportion of undergraduate students were unemployed after the completion of their degree,that is about 16000. On the other hand those who have completed master degree were relatively less jobless , about 1625 found to be unemployed.But the ratio for both undergraduate and postgraduate jobless student remains same .

To recapitulate, most of the students who got bachelor and master degree opted higher stidues,, and rest went for part-time work and voluntary work ,while some of them are jobless.

• 
  Untitled.jpg
  

I wonder, check your paraphrase for graduate again, since you use "undergraduate" and it have different meaning with graduate. Here I give you the definitions, based on oxford dictionary.

Graduate is a person who has successfully completed a course of study or training, especially a person who has been awarded an undergraduate or first academic degree.

Undergraduate is a university student who has not yet taken a first degree.


It is better to make a clear comparison between the data.
There are more of graduate students who opted for further study by virtually thirty thousand, while there are just 2,725 of postgraduate who went there.


Using large proportion are less appropriate since we do not have any main precept about "large", there are a larger data than the number of unemployed people. Other is, you can simply write the given exact data, that is 16,235 since it written clearly.

On the other hand those who have completed master degree were relatively less jobless , about 1,625 found to be unemployed.
Do not forget the comma.

who got bachelor and master degree opted higher stidues,,studies.

Overall, you should make a better grouping for your data. You can compare the greatest data first, then the smallest data. After that you can make the comparison of the similar data. It will make your writing easier to read and be understood.

please paraphrase your sentence, at starting point you can use: the bar charts depicts/ illustrates/ represents. it would be nice if introduction and overview in the same paragraph.

you have to choose the most important facts, make an outline, and use language of change to each paragraph.