Unanswered [7] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
Home / Writing Feedback 4

The diagram illustrates how often Australia men and women in different age groups exercise regularly

(I don't know why I can't upload the image of the bar chart, I have tried..., so there is only the description uploaded, hope it works.)

working out the body in Australia

The diagram illustrates how often Australia men and women in different age groups exercise regularly in 2010.

Overall, the highest percentage which worked out regularly for the women was age 45 to 54, though no matter how old Australian women are, from age 15 to 65 above, the numbers all stayed between more than 45% to 55%. However, the number of men of different age groups fluctuated more than women in Australia. Another interesting point is that the number of the age group from 65 and over was almost the same both for men and women in Australia.

Looking at the details, the women aged between 45 and 54 exercised the most at 53.3%, age of 55 to 64 comes the close second at 53%, and the women from 35 to 44 years old also worked out quite often, with 52.5%. The female age from 65 above did physical activities the least.

As for male groups, the highest number was the men who are between 15 and 24 years old at 52.8%, and then the second was surprisingly the group of 65 and above, though the number dropped to only a bit more than 45%. The men who worked out the least was from the age of 35 to 44, with less than 40%.

Feb 11, 2018   #2
Hung, the reason you cannot upload the file is probably because you are trying to upload an image association file that is not accepted by the system. Problems occur when students try to upload .png files. It is best to use .jpg or .jpeg files in this instance as the system easily recognizes those associated extensions and allows for an upload of the image without any problems.

Your information cannot be judged as accurate or not because of the lack of image. Therefore, I cannot comment on the accuracy or improvements to be made in that aspect. Since I am not sure if the image that Saad uploaded to the system (which by the way does not qualify as advice) is the one that is required for this exercise, I cannot base any content comments on that either. Next time, try to upload a complete scan of the image instead of separating the instructions from the actual image. Everyone else here does their image uploading in the same way. Don't forget, you can also ask for help from the admin with regards to the image uploading problem the next time you encounter it.

I will tell you this about your essay, you need to create a uniform set of information presentation for the 4 paragraphs. Each paragraph is 3-5 sentences long only, without run-on sentences. Extra long sentences connected by commas create C&C plus GRA issues that eventually end up lowering your score to the lowest level possible for both considerations.

You also did not create a proper summary overview for presentation in any part of the essay, which is a TA scoring deduction. So between the 3 possible major scoring deductions for your essay, it doesn't look like you will get a very good score for this paper had this been an actual test. The summary overview should summarize the topic, reason for the discussion, measurement metrics, trending sentence, and instruction for discussion. These information can't be found anywhere in the essay that you wrote.
Thanks for the reminder, I just starting using this forum so good to know. I have also tried to upload a complete scan but still doesn't work. I will try to do something else next time.

Thanks for the advice, I just start preparing IELTS, indeed I didn't plan each paragraph well enough before writing it. I will pay extra attention next time. And by the way what Saad uploaded was the graph of this one, though I don't see it now.
I have re-written it as below, hope to have some feedbacks on this one. Or any other welcome.

The bar graph illustrates how often Australia men and women in different age groups exercise regularly in 2010. It can be noted that women active physically more than men.

First of all, what stands out from the graph is that there was a upward trend in the number of women who stay physically active from 15 to 54 years old, the highest percentage shown in the female group between age of 45 to 54 at 53.3%. Despite dropping marginally at the age group of 55 to 64 and it declined continuously after they were 65 years old at 47.1%, women still exercise more than men.

If we look at men, having been physically active more than women between 15 to 24 years old, a sudden decrease appeared when men reached their last twenties and it went down to less than 40 % of the male at their early thirties. Although there was a slight increase to more than 40% after they are 45 years old, the percentage was still much lower than women.

Another interesting point is that there was very little difference in the number of both men and women when they reached after 65 years old. More than two-thirds of both genders in Australia who did regular exercise in 2010.

Home / Writing Feedback / The diagram illustrates how often Australia men and women in different age groups exercise regularly