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The diagrams illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. IELTS Task 1 practice

akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jul 19, 2016   #1
Hello team! I would like to hear your comments regarding my first practice of IELTS Writing task 1. I spent the task in 18 minutes, and I felt that it was challenging to write under time limits. You can also give prediction score as well.

Here are the graphs and the essay.

The diagrams below show the life cycle of a species of a large fish called the salmon. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant. Write at least 150 words.

The graphs illustrate the growth of Salmon, one of the species of big fish. There are three stages of Salmon's growth. This fish needs to reach to each of these phases prior to moving to new habitats.

During the initial cycle, Salmon lay its eggs in the upper river, whereas the stream is not moving fast. These eggs are spread near some small stones and reeds. In five to six months later, it is hatched into a fry or baby salmon, with size from three cm to eight cm.

The fry grows into smolt, the adolescence salmon. The smolt has a larger size which ranges from 12 to 15 cm. In this stages, the smolt moves to the lower river. This stage of smolt lasts for approximately four years.

In the adult stages, about five years, now the smolt migrates to the open sea. The size of salmon grows significantly from 15 cm to 70 - 76 cm. The smolt now becomes adult salmon completely.

In conclusion, the salmon have three major cycles of life before reaching maturity. Additionally, their habitats and size are gradually changed during its development.

justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 19, 2016   #2
Hi Muhammad, here's my take on your analysis.

- The graphsdiagram ( as the prompt says, it's a diagram, mind the instruction and the prompt itself) illustrate the growth of Salmon, - one of the species of a big fish.

- There are three stages of the Salmon's growth.
- This fish needs to reach to each of these phases
- Salmon lays its eggs
- in the upper river, whereas the stream
- near somearound the small stones and reeds.
- it is hatched intobecomes a fry or baby salmon,

- into a smolt,
- becomes an adult salmon completely .

- In conclusion, the salmon havehas three

There you have it Muhammad, overall, there is an improvement in your writing, from the moment you started writing to how your analysis is done like this one above. For future writing reference, mind the construction of the sentences, you are still missing a few minor linking verbs, the word choice is a lot better and this should help you create an even better analysis on your future projects.
OP akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jul 19, 2016   #3
@Phonepasong: Thank you very much. I am glad to know there are more members of EF who are preparing for the IELTS. I hope we can get a high score in our examination. :D

@Ivy: Love it! I always find your comment as accurate and constructive as always, Ivy. Thank you so much! This motivates me to keep writing and to give my contribution to all big family in EF. :D
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jul 20, 2016   #4
Akbar, I am glad that finally you've had your first training of IELTS writing. Although it was quite a bit late to give you my insights, I hope that you can still consider this as meaningful feedback.

- Your paragraphing was quite confusing. Try to give at least one space (1 enter) for each paragraph in order to ease us in reading your essay. Also, the reader is able to determine which one is the paragraphs.

- You have to know that in IELTS task 1, you are not allowed to give your opinion. You have that chance in Task 2. These are the phrases that can be considered as an assumption or opinion: 1. ...one of the species of big fish.(the picture didn't mention anything about this) , 2. The smolt now becomes adult salmon completely(complete growth is never mentioned)

- When you are writing a diagram process, you are suggested to use passive sentences more often than the active one. For instance, you need to know that instead of writing this "This fish needs to reach to each of these phases..." , better writing this one "each phase is necessary to be reached by them." or this "Salmon lay its eggs in the upper river" become this "the eggs are laid in the upper river by salmon" , this one "The fry grows into smolt" can be in the form of this one "The fry is grown to be a smolt/into a smolt" , and many more.

- The organization of your essay was also quite scrambled. You are suggested to write 3 intact paragraphs with the details as follows:

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- paraphrase the question, preferably in passive form (1st sentence)
- show the measurement (2nd sentence)
- write a clear overview of the main trends (3rd sentence)

2nd and 3rd paragraph (body paragraphs):
- group the information clearly, the information should be grouped in a logical way that shows the writer has taken some time to analyze the diagram and understood the trends taking place. So that the first one would be "topic sentence (with no data)" that give main idea of the paragraphs also make this a well-organized and clear answer.

- the second and the third sentence would be the important data only. It is probably not possible to describe every point or change in the graph or diagram, especially if it is a complicated one. You should not try to do this as you need to show you can identify the key points. Also, avoid making too detail paragraph, for instance you describe a whole process in a single sentence.

As you can see, that was quite a lot of feedback. I hope you can follow through mate. Good luck for the next practice. The more you practice the better :D :D
OP akbartaufiq25 7 / 81 54  
Jul 20, 2016   #5
Wow, that is a great input to my further practice. I am now getting excited to practice writing even more! I am sorry that I forgot to give one space to indicate a paragraph.

I am glad to know that I have awesome teammates, here, in EssayForum. Thanks a bunch, Iksan :D
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 20, 2016   #6
Hi Muhammad, it's always a great pleasure to be able to provide you with the most accurate feedback you can get in each and every writing project that you do.

Now, while you're at your revision and as a general note, be cautious when writing an analysis over an essay. An analysis has a graphic representation, therefore, the analysis will have a basis where the reviewers can match the information and the understanding you have towards the graph or the diagram.

An essay, on the other hand, is a representation in itself, of your opinion, your thoughts and your analogy of a certain topic, therefore, the reviewer will definitely rely only on how the story progressed and one good essay is something where the story did not only have a logical sequence but also have a process to tell in its own.

I hope to review more of your work and should you need further assistance or just want to share any thought you have, do let us know, we are here for you.
grintdevereaux30 9 / 6 2  
Jul 31, 2016   #7
Hello mister, thank you for the feedback that you give to me before, I also want to give some feedback to you, sorry if my grammar is too bad, im the first timers of "writing" learner here. So hopefully we can improve our writing skills more and more by joining english forum here.

I think you have make a great explaination about that salmon's life cycle, you make a clearance description and use the ordinary words to make readers easily to understand. Also you made it in only 18 minutes, but at the first time I saw the passage, I cannot inflict where is the intro, main paragraph, and the conclusion, as the contributor said before, maybe you can add some space among the paragraph that you write.

Also, I think you better use some passive sentence to your writing, it makes more variation to your passage. So the readers not only see the same type of the sentences that you write.

nice work mister!! in fact, I just learn a little bit of IELTS task 1, sorry for my bad feedback :)

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