'different ways of leading lives' - Children should begin their formal education at a very early age

Hi, please correct for me my essay. i need your advice also about my english. thanks

Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which view do you agree with? Why?

Different people have different ways of leading lives. Some people think that their children should spend most of their time on school studies. While others think that children should spend most of their time playing. As far as I am concerned, if I have children, I probably think that children should spend most of their time on school studies. On school studies, they learn more knowledge, gain more experience and make more friends.

To begin with, they can learn more knowledge if they spend most of their time on school studies. Different people have different knowledge and teacher can help them to have a good education. When I was a child, the school was benefit to me to evaluate.

Nevertheless, I can see no advantage of this aspect if they spend time to playing ; so I prefer that they spend time on school with the teacher.

Moreover, they can gain more experience if they are at school. At a very early age, it is important for them to be separated a little bit of parents.

All the experience they could gain will be benefit to become independent.
However, if they spend time to playing, they can't gain more experience, so I think that they should be at school.

In the other hand, if they are at school, they can make friends. Friends enhance their life and give them sweet memories. They can learn to be sociable.

For me, friends are very important and I stay in touch with the same friends since 1993. (The year i was born).
Meanwhile, if they spend most of their time to playing, they can't meet friends and strengthen their friendship.

Considering the advantages mentioned above, I think that children should spend most of their time on school studies. In fact, it is good to playing sometimes but not all the time.

I wonder what the future have in store for me and my future children but for the moment it is my opinion about this question.

This does not contribute much to your topic. Start with some idea that gets you to the topic easily. My suggestion;
Different people have different views on how their children be educated.


.... there's no harm in expressing the same topic idea, but rephrase it and present.


... Don't crowd your sentences with the words that mean the same.... That makes them redundant one another and also disturbs its presentation.


This does not convey a clear idea.... I think you should rephrase this


... again , the idea is not clear :(

Thank you ! I'm french and it was an exam for Erasmus.

==》I guess "acquire more knowledge " would be better.
I am a Chinese ,what do you think.

Different people have different knowledge levels and I believe teachers can help them receive a solid education.


Seperate is not a suitable word here.
They must be taught to mange things on their own at a very early stage, and therefore, must be taught to handle things without the help of their parents.


If they waste their time playing, they will not be able to gain this valuable experience. Therefore I believe that they should spend more time at school.

I think it's best to say that children must have a delicate balance between playing and studying.