comparison of two school subjects
TOPIC :
Some people say History is one of the most important school subjects. Other people think that, in today's world , subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History.
Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
MY ESSAY : (This is the first time I've written an IELTS WRITING TASK 2. Hope you guys give me my band score for this essay and some advice for the next time. Thank you so much! )
In the eyes of some people, History is one of the most necessary school subjects. Otherwise, subjects like Science and Technology are more important than History in today's world. In fact, both these views have a great deal of true points.
First and foremost, we know History is one of the most important school subjects now. In History,we have learnt about legendary heroes, who fighted for peach and independence. Famous revolutions, dynasties have been learnt in History. History likes a bridge , which connect young generation to the past. Besides students learn about History, they also focus on good qualites from
ancestor, such as honesty, respect ,kind,... That's the reason why History is known as the most important school subjects. We can't deny the important of History in our life.
Secondly , Science and Technology are compulsory subjects at school. We learn about theory, numbers and statisty. When you want to apply for a scolarship to study abroad, you have to do a test which called SAT. It's a test for Math skills, so Science is really important. If you want to study oversea and work with modern technology, you must study Technology well. They are help us develop our mind and get a bright future. If you study well two subjects, you will establish positive energy in your brain and you will become more active in some difficult circumstances.
In conclusion, both these views are true. We learn History for our soul , to keep our memories from the past. Besides, we learn Science and Technology for our brain, to get more knowledge. Both these views are true and we should follow them to improve ourshelf in the future.
280 words
I think you might get a band 5.5 or 6 for this essay. (actually I'm not sure for that)
But here are my suggestions:
1. Link sentences
Some of your sentences are quite like you want to expand the number of words. For example, you can merge these sentences into one: "In History,we have learnt about legendary heroes, who fighted for peach and independence. Famous revolutions, dynasties have been learnt in History." It will make your essay easier for readers (and examiners of course) to follow your ideas.
2. Vocabulary and Grammar
Your vocab is good, but there are some mistakes like the word "statisty".
You also made some grammatical mistakes like "They are help us...". Remember to recheck your work next time!
I also suggest you use more diverse grammatical structures such as "Clause, Verb-ing", which or any other wh- words, etc. It will lengthen your sentences and make them more coherent!
Hope you improve next time.
History
Your essay is basically good. However, it has too many words "History" that is boring for readers. You can replace it with a synonym such as
"the study of the past events" etc
I hope this help!
There are some problems with grammar.
Both of...not both these views...
Also "we know that history is...". Also, I would argue that history is one of the most important school subjects. Not everywhere at least.
The past tense for "fight" is fought, not fighted.
Also, you wrote peach, I believe you meant "peace". Must be a typo.
History likes a bridge , which connect (should be connects).
Maybe you should put your text in the word document, and do an autocorrect, as there are a number of grammatical mistakes. You might want to fix them.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 15460 The essay failed to fulfill the Task Accuracy requirements in the first paragraph. You did not properly restate the topic and discussion instructions. You instead went immediately into a discussion of the topic, without informing the reader about the outline presentation for the discussion, through your prompt paraphrase. You could have done it this way instead:
The educational institutions often give extra attention to the study of History. However, these days, members of the population believe that Science and Technology prove to be more crucial to modern day studies. This essay will consider the discussion of sides so that I may ponder a personal opinion presentation in the end.
Spelling errors abound in this presentation. Far too many for me to correct in a simple post. Learn to use spellcheck when typing into the Word program. A red line indicates a possible misspelled word. Remember the correct spelling from there. You were so careless with your typing that you did not even try to be careful when typing. You neglected to place a space between words a few times, which made the essay difficult to read. Your English vocabulary in this essay is so bad, it is not going to receive a passing LR or C&C score. Your sentence structures are so problematic, you will definitely get a failing score in the GRA section. This is not a passing score essay at all. I strongly urge you to do sentence structure exercises before you even try to write another practice essay. That is necessary to help you gain an overall better score in your succeeding practice tests. Become proficient in English writing first. Right now, you are at the beginner level, you need to be at least intermediate in the writing level to be able to score better in the future.
It is because of the intricate and analytical procedure involved in scoring that students are not allowed to score each other at this forum. As a trained contributor, I do not want to give false information and false hope to the students who want to truly learn how to write a good essay. The job of scoring is exclusive to the contributor, who is trained to examine an essay's strength and weaknesses in relation to scoring considerations. Do not believe the scores given by fellow students. It is the most inaccurate review you can get from them.
Do not use special punctuation marks such as ellipses (...) in an academic presentation. Those are word fillers that indicate a continuation of a previous discussion. It was used improperly in this presentation. That is also why it should not be used in a formal academic presentation. The same rules of formality apply to the existence of conjunctions in your essay. It is the formal way to write an academic paper.
