Discuss about the inequality between artists and the government's interfere

Hi, I'm an IELTS's learner. Please help me! Thanks so much.

Some modern artist receive huge sums of money for the things they create while others struggle to survive Governments should take steps to resolve this unfair situation

To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In recent times, a great number of artist have become successful due to their talents while others can't make a living. Some people believe that governments should take measures to ensure the equality for every artist. In my point of view, the government's involvement is not necessary.

There has always competed in every field of life, art is not an exception. In order to be the best, artists have to go through a lot of hardships. That's why the one who can work hard using their talents deserve financial rewards. Moreover, talent is not the only factors, sometimes, artists also need luck to shine. For example, artists whose art works can reach people's understanding and pathetic will tend to be bought more than the others or artist who know the right to time to show up will be able to make a name for themselves. Whatever reasons are, artists should have the right to earn much money from their creations.

In other cases, there are still many talented artists who haven't been recognized because of their poor conditions like lacking of money, etc.. In this case, governments should take actions to encourage artists. They can give scholarships for or organize many competitions to find out the gifted.

To conclude, artists should wisely find ways to earn a living. I believe it is not the government's job to interfere with artists' success

It is highly unfortunate that you did not meet the minimum 250 word count for the essay. Having written only 231 words means that you are still facing a steep percentage deduction due to your incomplete word presentation. While 250 is the minimum requirement, you should aim to produce at least 275-290 words, just to make sure that you not only meet the word count, but that you were able to write well enough to be considered for the highest possible band score based on your written presentation. That said, there are some sections for improvement in your work.

Since this is an extent essay, you should be writing this from an emotional standpoint. That means, you cannot simply say that the government involvement is not necessary. Rather, you must offer a measure of your disagreement with the given topic. One example of a measured response would be; "I greatly disagree with this point of view for 2 specific reasons." You may opt to outline the reasons in the opening paraphrase + statement response if your presentation has not met the 3-5 sentence requirement yet. The first 2 sentences should be the paraphrase, the last 3, the direct response and reasons (if possible). While you can include the reasoning outline to help show how the discussion presentation in the paragraphs will be presented, it is not a requirement. You may opt to use the reasons as topic sentences marking the first sentence in the reasoning paragraph instead.

Having reviewed your discussion paragraphs, I have spotted 2 errors in your discussion presentation:
1. Your paragraphs are under discussed and lacks supporting examples and additional discussions to make it clearer to the reader and add to the coherence of the paragraphs.

2. Your reasoning paragraphs run counter to your original intention, which is to prove that the government should not support artists. You cannot give one answer in the response and then totally change your mind in the discussion portion. The examiner will view this essay as confusing and without a real opinion. He will not be able to give this essay a passing score in the TA section if it is clear that you are not capable of properly supporting your single point of view opinion.

Remember that unless specifically ask to compare and contrast or discuss the A/D of a given topic, all IELTS Task 2 essays are single opinion essays as you are scored heavily on the clarity of your opinion and ability to explain why you have that particular opinion in mind. Suddenly changing your discussion pattern and opinion in the presentation will never be good for your final score.

Now, I will stop reviewing your work at this point for 2 reasons:
1. The lack of word count
2. The improper discussion format

If you post another essay that meets the word count and is properly formatted, I will definitely give you a more comprehensive review of your work.

@Holt
thanks for your advice! I will try to write it again