sports influence on kid's education
Some people believe that competitive sports have a positive effect on children's education, while others believe there is no place for such sports in schools. Discuss both points of view and give your own opinion.
Writing
Nowadays, physical activities play as one of the most vital parts of every school's curriculum, which has drawn considerable attention from both the parents and the children. While it is often argued that competitive sports such as basketball, football or swimming should be encouraged more, others raise their objection on account of the negative effects that these sports may have on kids. This essay will discuss both points of view.
It is undeniable that playing sports will boost children in terms of strength and stamina. It provides them with an opportunity to build up their muscles and serves as a form of entertainment besides heavy academic work. In order to participate in such sports competitions, infants will also have to practice under a more structural formation and strictly follow the rules, which in turn will help them sharpen their personal skills and teamwork more effectively. Furthermore, it has been proved by some scientists that children who take part in competitive sports are generally healthier, which helps them stay in a clear state of mind and therefore do better academically.
On the contrary, the reasons why competitive sports should take place elsewhere outside the learning environment ought to be taken into consideration. First of all, children can grow a strong desire to win, which, as a consequence, can raise unnecessary feelings of superiority and jealousy among kids. Secondly, getting involved in championships means they have to train on a regular basis, which can lead to them neglecting their studies both in school and at home. Finally, infants competing under such a pressured environment may develop a fear of failure and disappointment, which can seriously affect their future growth.
To conclude, competitive sports show both pros and cons when being held in schools. They do benefit children in physical and mental aspects; nonetheless, they are an apparent source of distraction and can bring about unwanted negative feelings. In my own point of view, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Playing sports can be extremely enjoyable and helpful, so long as kids retain the positive energy and can keep up with their studies.
Can anyone please make some comments on my essay and give an overall band score? Thanks a lot!
Hi, here are some of my thoughts:
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Major comments:
Overall your task response is sound. But the way you develop things isn't perfect:
+ In the first body paragraph, you have 3 support ideas but they are actually just 2 and they are not linked. The first is about strength and entertainment, the second is about personal skills and teamwork, the last is again about health and being smarter (health and strength are not very different).
I suggest you choose just one or two of ideas and develop them fully, with examples.
Actually, you are supposed to specifically write about competitive sports, so none of your support ideas will work. (This is a very big trap isn't it ? I could have been tricked too.)
My recommendation is: Competitive games can help children get used to winning and losing(Winning is great and is worth living for, Losing is not the end as long as you don't give up, blah...)
+ In the second body paragraph, you did the same thing. Should have developed them fully. How can feelings superiority and jealousy is a bad thing? Should explain further here.
I suggest take the second support idea: Competitive sports can divert children from their schoolwork (because winning is an addictive thing, and kids have to train more to win more).
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Trivial comments:
+ "It provides them with an opportunity to ..." Are you sure you used "besides" correctly?
Correct examples:
I have a lot of passions besides collecting bottle caps.
I have no other family besides my parents
Because heavy academic work is not a form of entertainment(for most people), you might be using wrong.
+ "On the contrary, the reasons why ..." Correct syntax but I bet that natives do not write like that. It is too long, and awkward while it could be done simply: " ..., there are reasons why sports should be played outside schools." The reader may see that you write a long sentence on purpose, and that is not helping you. It should only be long if it need to be.
+ "getting involved in championships ": This expression got only 7 results on google.
That means it is not popular and maybe the natives don't write like that. It's awkward.
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I think you can get a 6. I'm no expert.
Also, as I can see, you have a Vietnamese. If you write regularly, maybe we should connect and help each other.
Good luck!
First thing I would do is change the word infants to children, since infants (newborns) can't play sports.
I also think that you could use more structured reasons as to why sports effect education such as contact sports like football can cause concussions and other damage to the brain, or sports will take time away from homework and studying time, etc.
Red = replacement/ suggestion words
Green/ blue = comments
Today Nowadays, physical activities play as one of the most vital parts of rolls in every ...
This essay will discuss ... This is a good place to gain your credibility by saying that you grew up playing sports (if you did)
... competitions, infants children will also have to practice under ...
... by some scientists (what scientists) that children ... academically (slippery slope, I suggest changing it to something that sounds more concrete if you aren't using resources).
... getting involved in championships sports means they have to train or go to practice on a regular ... Finally, infants competing under ... (I would personally change the first and last argument in this section into something a little more concrete)
Playing sports can be extremely enjoyable ... If you play sorts then you should make a statement saying that because you are in a sport it helped you in your academics
I hope this helps!
@Tunanut
Thank you very much for your comments!
By the way, do you have a Facebook account? If you do, may I have yours, please? I think it is easier to connect with each other that way
