Topic: Some people believe that to protect local culture, tourism should be banned in some areas whereas other think that change is inevitable and banning tourism will have no benefit. Discuss both sides and give your opinion
Please help me to correct and give comments, thank you so much!
local cultural protection by forbidding tourism
People have differing views with regard to the question of how to maintain local culture affected by tourism. While some people think tourism should be forbidden to prevent local practices from changing, I believe that banning tourism in some specific places can be efficient rather than making any change.
On the one hand, people have various reasons why they do not believe in the influence of banning tourism and changing culture is a undeniable trend. Firstly, local culture created from time to time by continuously changing elements such as habitat, history and people's lives, therefore, with or without tourism, culture is still changing. Secondly, forbidding tourism can limit the number of visitors attracted, results in the suspension of local cultural development. Local artists, who contribute a great deal of value in culture play no role in popularizing their culture and other culture are faded away when there is little attention of public. Finally, local agencies may loss money from banning tourism, which can be used to remain and develop their culture. In fact, local residents, artists and agencies need to be paid to make a living, to remain or to perform their local culture.
Despite of these arguments, banning tourism in some places can be considered as an effective way of protecting local culture. The first advantage can be shown is remaining the traditional culture in sacred places such as temples and pagodas. Some people have their tendency to act rudely or do not strictly follow given instruction, especially foreign tourists with different culture; thus, the culture of these are still remained without any distraction. The second advantage which is not less vital is sorting certain places of banning to achieve better effect. Some areas receiving much attention from public, and developed from verbal ways or even social medial are encouraged to open widely so that local culture are known in a positive way; meanwhile, the other places which are banned from tourism can keep their nature through history.
Banning or banning tourism can raise a controversy in keeping local culture among people; however, I personally believe that forbidding tourism can create certain benefits to local cultural protecting and development.
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Tam, it is unfortunate that, although your discussion of the topic is strong, you did not accurately represent the prompt parameters. Therefore, this essay went from a 2 opinion discussion with a personal insight discussion to solely a personal insight presentation. This runs counter to the original prompt discussion instructions and will therefore, result in a score of no more than 4 overall. The reason for this is that you only partially responded to the prompt requirements and misrepresented the prompt discussion in the opening paraphrase as well.
How did you misrepresent the discussion? Consider the discussion instructions that were provided when compared to your take on the same:
Original Instruction: Discuss both sides and give your opinion
Your Discussion Response: I believe that banning tourism in some specific places can be efficient rather than making any change.
Based on the outlined presentation, it should be clear to you that you did not discuss the prompt in accordance with the requirements which is why the essay will not garner a passing score even if you score an average passing grade for the remaining 3 criteria.
The proper discussion prompt paraphrase is:
There is a group of people who believe that native practices should be preserved which is why sight seeing travelers must be prevented from visiting some areas of a country. Others believe that cultural changes cannot be prevented so limiting tourist access to certain areas will not provide any rewards for the area. In this essay, I will present a discussion regarding both points of view before presenting my own point of view regarding the topic.
From that point, the succeeding paragraphs should have indicated:
The belief that tourism should be limited in cultural places....
However, those that advocate for open tourism in these areas...
Based on the above reasons, I have gained the impression that...
The above format would have best represented each point of view clearly in the paragraphs prior to the presentation of your point of view.
Your concluding paragraph is a run- on sentence and would have further reduced your C&C and GRA score. It is always best to present short but informative sentences separate by periods instead of commas to improve your scores in those sections. Just don't present more than 5 sentences per paragraph for maximum scoring considerations.