Domestic violence problem (I'm taking proficiency exam on September 3rd)

cases of physical, psychological or emotional abuse in families

Domestic violence is causing more and more concern throughout the world as it results in thousands of deaths every year. Domestic violence can be seen between married or cohabiting couples. Also, children or elderly relatives of a family may be exposed to domestic violence. There are several factors that play a role in domestic violence such as social, economic and familial factors. Mostly, it leads to physical, psychological or emotional abuse, and sometimes the death of people. Therefore, it is vitally important to produce solutions to overcome domestic violence since it has a severe impact on people.

First of all, education plays a great role in overcoming domestic violence. People are primarily educated in their homes. Families are responsible for building their children's character. Since children can take their parents as their role models, they copy their parents' behaviors when they face a problem. For instance, if children witness their father exerting violence on their mother, they might think that violence is a good way to solve a problem. Therefore, parents ought to bring up their children as respectful and decent individuals. Furthermore, schools should teach children that girls and boys are equal and they can solve their problems respectfully without thinking of violence. In this way, it might lead to alleviating domestic violence considerably.

Moreover, increasing funding for non-governmental organizations can alleviate domestic violence. Governments ought to fund this kind of social organizations since these organizations can help women gain their economic independency. Most women who are exposed to violence cannot end up their destructive relationships as they are not economically independent to stand on their own feet. Therefore, financial support is necessary for women to be more powerful.

All in all, domestic violence is one of the biggest problems in today's world. The effects of domestic violence such as leading to physical, psychological or emotional abuse and sometimes the death of people can be very serious. Educating people about violence and financial support to social organizations can be the most effective solutions to overcome domestic violence.

I would be glad if you checked my essay :)

@Selen can
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. I hope that this feedback becomes beneficial for you. If you find any of this helpful, please do not hesitate to approach us for more inquiry on your writing.

Firstly, the essay is already quite put-together as I would say. You had no fundamentally difficult details that are tough to comprehend. Rather, you needed to have a firmer grip on the details. Take, for example, your first paragraph. While you had a broader discussion as to how the entirety of your opinions flow, you were unable to grasp more fundamental details such as giving more concrete examples. If you can make it more descriptive, it would be better for the entirety of your text.

Furthermore, the other portions of the text also need this much attention. Because of your lack of attention to detail, you were unable to showcase how the body paragraphs translate to reality. This makes your essay quite difficult to comprehend, considering that readers have to exert more effort into reading the texts available.