Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width   Posts: 10


"You have done it son", i was proud of myself!



dumbdumb 2 / 20  
May 7, 2011   #1
"Yes!" I shouted in excitement, I had been selected for giving a speech on how government can improve education system in rural areas at Pakistan national assembly, without any doubt this was a very important occasion in my life. Out of 200 students it was me who was selected. Obviously after my name was called out by my principle there were many jealous faces that I saw among the students. Even the teachers were surprised, because I was not one of the best at giving speeches. But I had to prove all of them wrong,

Immediately after reaching home I informed my parents, who were thrilled to hear this amazing news. Though my speech was more than a month later, I had started my preparations the same day. After days and days of hard-work I finally came up with the perfect speech. The month flew by practicing and the day finally arrived...

Tring....!!! , went the piercing alarm bell, and I jumped off my bed hurriedly. "Today is my day", I uttered to myself. I put on my favorite Zara suit and went tearing down the stairs. After eating a healthy breakfast, I, with my whole family, headed to the national affairs. As we approached I saw that the school administration had already arrived. "I can do this", I tried to reassure myself. As we entered the hall, we were welcomed warmly by some of the ministers. A cold chill ran down my spine when my name was called out by the honorable speaker. My legs shivered, I stood frozen, my heart was in my mouth and I thought I would faint any minute. The whole crowd stared at me as I walked up the stage and I could hear my heart beating inside my ribcage, "its just another speech Hassan", I muttered to myself in nervousness. As I started the speech everything went fine. For the first few seconds I was really nervous but gradually as I gained confidence, my speech became even better. It was pleasing and encouraging to see the proud faces of my parents and my teachers who had supported and helped me in enhancing my speaking skills.

With sheer confidence I walked off the stage and was congratulated by the honorable speaker and other ministers present. I felt extremely ecstatic to see my parents and my principle overjoyed after my speech. "You have done it son", my father exclaimed in excitement and hearing this, a smile of satisfaction spread across my face. If my dad was proud of me, I was proud of myself!

Hassan Ali Khan.

Ankita 4 / 28  
May 7, 2011   #2
Out of 200 students it was me who was selected.My name was called out by my principle (Principal ) I could see many jealous faces amongst the students. Even the teachers were surprised, because I never featured in the list of best orators.

I had started my preparations the same day.
With sheer confidence I walked off the stage and was congratulated by the honorable speaker and other ministers present. I felt extremely ecstatic to see my parents and my principle principal overjoyed after my speech.

hope you ll find it helpful.
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
May 7, 2011   #3
yeah thanx:) wud u please cmnt on the overall story
Rajiv 55 / 398  
May 7, 2011   #4
Meeshal/ Hassan Ali -- which is it, by the way ? Great flow narrating this incident. It was obviously an important event for you and you've taken more than your usual pains to write about it.

That said, there's less here than your earlier story which was more complex and entertaining. Keep going !
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
May 7, 2011   #5
o yaeh rajiv dats cuz i didnt rite it:P
this is basically my id but my friend hassan rote it and posted it here! he wntd help on improving it!
Ankita 4 / 28  
May 8, 2011   #6
Whom should I address..Meeshal or Hassan Ali Khan??
Anyways Whatever I found wrong..I made corrections. rest is fine. I could connect with the story.
the last line "If my dad was proud of me, I was proud of myself!" can be bettered..
Just think on this.

Also in the mean time can u help me out in preparing one essay,which is regarding the Academic distinctions and prizes..the word limit for the same is 300.

I know it is data centric but I am pretty confused,as how to start it..and how to conclude it..
plz do it urgent,as the deadline is 10th May..
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
May 8, 2011   #7
adress either! it dznt matter! i need to no exactly wat this essay is to contain so i kn help u out..:)
Ankita 4 / 28  
May 8, 2011   #8
okie...
well I prepared something..just chk it out..

I always stood first in class in my early years of education and won prizes in academics and extra-curricular activities like quiz, debate etc. I was class monitor and school captain. I got distinction in 10th Class and first class in 12th standard .I was positioned amongst top 200 in the country in the entrance examination for Engineering, which was taken by 1, 50,000 students.

Furthermore, I enrolled myself in for the Bachelors degree program in Electronics engineering and with strong focus and hard work, I excelled in my graduation with distinction. Considering my excellent record, my college offered me for a job as a lecturer.

Besides studies I have been actively involved in voluntary activities like NSS (National Service scheme). The camp, which aims at welfare of the society helds various activities like cleaning, afforestation, inviting doctors for health camps, creating awareness on social problems, education and cleanliness.

Also I was part of the team, which adopted an orphanage named 'Snehalya'
This team used to regularly interact with the kids and their tutors.
Organize cultural programs and organized money collection drives for them."
EF_Kevin 8 / 13053  
May 8, 2011   #9
Okay, I'll change the grammar here at the beginning:
"Yes!" I shouted in excitement. I had been selected to give a speech on how government can improve the education system in ...

... not one of the best at giving speeches. But I had to prove all of them wrong.

You write so well!I can see that you have a talent for it. Here is a quick lesson about adverbs and other modifiers to make you even better: Kill the modifiers!!

Tring....!!! , went the piercing alarm bell, and I jumped off my bed. hurriedly .
See how much better the sentence it without the modifier?

Modifiers are the cowards of the sentence. Imagery words and action verbs are the heroes.

My legs shivered; I stood frozen. My heart was in my mouth, and I thought I would...

Again here, kill the adverb:
I felt extremely ecstatic to see my parents and

Great ending... If my dad was proud of me, I was proud of myself!

Great job, I am proud of you too!
OP dumbdumb 2 / 20  
May 9, 2011   #10
thanx kevin:) n ankita i think its awsum buh i cnt say much cuz im jus in 11th grade:) kevin kn prolly help u out

so start a new thread about it:)


Home / Writing Feedback / "You have done it son", i was proud of myself!
Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳