IELTS Writing Task 2 (drug addicts should be treated like criminals or patients)

Hi friends, please kindly give me some feedback for this essay...

Some people think that drug addicts should be treated like criminals and sent to jail, while others believe that they should be treated like patients and sent hospital.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer:

Some debate about the criminal acts of drug addicts deserves imprisonment. While rehabilitating them to return to a good lifestyle was a good alternative, considering they were victims who must be saved.

Some argue imprisoning drug addicts was a valued punishment for them but will not change for a better lifestyle. As long as they are imprisoned without any special treatment, it will only make them return to such a habit when they had released from prison. For instance, ex-convicts with drug cases in Jakarta get his freedom after 10 years in prison. Unfortunately, he was stuck again with such a lifestyle, and could not control himself in using drugs. However, the output of the prison cannot counter their pleasure in consuming drugs, even just making them a victim that required to be rehabilitated.

On the one hand, treating drug addicts as patients who must be saved was a very noble wise decision. This is because turning them into a healthy society again is a beneficial solution for drug addicts as true victims. A Singapore artist was proved to be a drug addict and got to the jail with a rehabilitation program. However, he served his sentence with a special program, it was done to eliminate his dependence on drugs. The outcome of this detention period would be very meaningful in his life, because he could be saved from the world of drug addiction, even live normally after he was released from jail.

In conclusion, imprisoning drug users was a valued option as a criminal punishment. However, punishment without any means changes it will be useless. Therefore it also requires some special treatment, even treating them as patients who must be saved is the best wise solution.

First, in your introduction, you should give your opinion about the subject, whether you agree of disagree.
Second, you should pay proper attention to your verb tenses, i can notice that you are messing them up. For example, "As long as they are imprisoned without ... it will only make them ..."

Third, in the third paragraph, you use "on the one hand" which indicates one side of the problem, but you haven't mention the other side, which can reduce your cohesion and coherence point.

Your prompt paraphrase is confusing. It does not properly represent the original topics for discussion due to the improper grammar used. A clearer version of the paraphrase would have been:

There are groups that believe that drug abusers are similar to lawbreakers. As such, they must placed in lock-up. However, there are opposing sectors that believe the narcotics addicts should be considered sick. Therefore, they are sick people who need to be treated at an infirmary. Both sides represent proper reasons that should be heavily explained and considered before a person can come to an educated opinion.

From there, you should have formed 2 public point of view discussions based on a second person or group point of view. The pronouns indicating a second group point of view would have clearly separated each discussion from your personal point of view, which needs to use the first person singular point of view. The separation of discussion points, as required by the discussion instruction was not properly reflected in your essay. This is the main reason why your essay will not score well. It is giving a general point of view, that could be misconstrued as a personal point of view presentation throughout the discussion by the examiner.

You are scored on the clarity of your discussion. As such, you must make sure that each public point of view is clearly indicated in every reasoning paragraph. After which, your personal point of view must also be clearly stated. While you present good discussion points, it is the presentation format that affected the clarity if your essay.

Here are some comments:
- ...... but it will not change for a better lifestyle (better to put the subject)
- Turning them into a healthy society again
- Be aware with punctuation "Therefore, (comma needed)
- ..... even such as