The economical developments are considered to be the most crucial nowadays

Many governments think that economic progress is their most important goal.Some people,however, think that other types of progress are equally important for a country

Hi,
Im aiming to get a 7 for ielts.please help me improving my essay writing
Thank you all

not only economic growth is important

In many advanced countries, nowadays, economical developments are considered to be the most crucial and only aspect in which can bring a prosperous future for the government, providing people with lots of facilities and job opportunities. On the contrary, there are some who disagree to this idea and believe there are more factors that equally play an important role in acquiring a government without problems.

Proponents, have this in their mind that the economic growth is the key to success and can substantially improve citizen's life conditions by ensuring new job opportunities with high salaries and proper health care system. Through economic developments governments can accumulate funds, in order to improve other facilities for ameliorating living standards. For instance, funds can be spent on upgrading security problems for lowering the crime rates.

Opponents, on the other hand, believe the economic condition of a country is not the only aspect which ensure a country without an issue. The rate of illiteracy is increasing nowadays due to the poor educational system and specifically in resort areas people even don't have access to schools. Therefore, many become illiterate and unable to fulfil their needs which also leads them to be jobless. In addition, many countries suffer epidemic diseases in which are incurable and rampantly growing. In this case the first priority of the governments is first to improve health care systems in order to overcome such issues.

Thus, undoubtedly economic growth plays an essential role in any government; However, in a personal perspective I believe other aspects are aligned with economic growth and they equally can have same impact on people's lives.

Reza, this is a 5 paragraph essay based on the instruction of discuss both points of view and then give your own opinion. Therefore the body should be composed of :

1. POV1
2. POV 2
3. Personal opinion

It is imperative that your personal opinion be developed as a stand alone paragraph prior to the concluding summary as the concluding summary should not include the presentation of new ideas which cannot be adequately explained due to the 5 sentence limitation per paragraph. While your essay does lack the prompt instruction restatement in the opening paraphrase, that error is not as bad as your lack of a definite personal opinion paragraph which is supported by a topic sentence, reasoning, and examples to support your POV.

You show a great potential in discussing these types of essays. It is unfortunate that your scored was dragged down by improper paragraph structuring. I trust that you will not repeat this mistake in the future. Your discussions are clear and well developed. Your vocabulary is adequate. So limiting your mistakes in other areas such as the one I mentioned above will help to further enhance your possible final score in an actual test.