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Education: teachers have more influence than parents



Abzal 1 / -  
Nov 6, 2011   #1
please give me my essay score
theme:Once children start school, teachers have more influence than parents on their intellectual and social development.
There is a debate concerning the education of children. Some people believe that teachers have more influence on the success of children in school than parents. While parents are indeed important, in my opinion, I agree that teachers have a stronger influence on a child's success because the students have a lot in common and because they spend most of their time together.

To begin with, teachers tend to have a lot in common, so they are able to give each other useful advice. teachers share the same teachers, homework and similar difficulties, so they easily understand the situation of their classmates. When students are having trouble with a bully in school, they will do better to seek advice from their teachers rather than their parents because they will do better to seek advice from their teachers they will receive more sympathy and compassion. This is because all of the teachers are sharing the same social problems with one another.

In addition, seeing as they are together most of the day, teachers are available to help each other. Parents are busy with work and other responsibilities, but teachers spend all day together. It is easier for students to approach each other because they already have a basic understanding of one another's problems. If a student approaches a parent with a problem, the parent may not see the seriousness of the child's concern. This is because they are busy living very different lives, with very different worries. However, teachers are always available to each other and understand the problems that their teachers are going through.

In conclusion, i believe that have an influence on the lives of children, but for success in school teachers have the more important influence.

jennifervuvu 1 / 2  
Nov 9, 2011   #2
Hi Abzal,
I would like to give you some comments. ^^
-Firstly, Punctuation and structures:
'Some people believe that teachers have more influence on the success of children in school than parents. While parents are indeed important, in my opinion, I agree that teachers have a stronger influence on a child's success because the students have a lot in common and because they spend most of their time together.'

===> "Some people believe that teachers have more influence on the success of children in school than parents, while others content that parents are indeed important. In my opinion, I agree that ..."

-Secondly, paraphrase:
+In introduction and conclusion, you should paraphrase (shouldn't repeat 'influence on', can use synonyms like 'impact on' )
+In the body, I can see some repetition : ''they will do better to seek advice from their teachers rather than their parents because they will do better to seek advice from their teachers '' or ''approach''

-...

However, there are a lot of good points, such as academic words...

According to me, your essay can get band 6
stellastella 18 / 25  
Nov 9, 2011   #3
In my opinion, I agree doesn't have sound nice. you have to wright just one of them In my opinion, teachers have a stronger influence or I agree that teachers have a stronger influence


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