Unanswered [8] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


(IELTS ESSAY) effects of electronic games on children


somysojan 8 / 19 8  
Jan 31, 2013   #1
Question: Children nowadays prefer electronic games to other games and toys. Why is it happening? Is it a positive or negative trend?
In the present scenario, majority of youngsters incline to pursue computer games than that of conventional plays. I believe it is due to the advancements in science and technology, and which leads to a number of adverse impacts on children's lives.

The unprecedented changes in science and technology give rice to the invention of many amusement gadgets, especially gaming devices. Nowadays, these applications are highly influenced by young children, as those offer much lively graphical effects along with less activity needed for playing. For example, some computer games are available in three dimensional formats with higher sound effects and picture qualities, attract a large number of youngsters. Moreover, majority of these games are easily downloaded from the internet without any loss of money.

Playing games on computers or other devices bring about many adverse effects on kids. Firstly, it hampers a child's academic excellence to a very large extent. Moreover, games of extreme violence can take away many of the emotional values from youngsters. For instance, one who plays shooting game continuously becomes less emotionally sensitive to real world crimes. These may lead to reduction of some good qualities; sympathy, empathy, and generosity from them. Finally, sitting continuously in front of computers causes some serious health hazards such as visual problems and obesity.

In a nutshell, from these points of view, computer games have become a big menace for young world. So it is high time for parents and teachers to be active in reducing children's affinity towards these games.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jan 31, 2013   #2
In the present scenario, majority of youngsters incline topursueplay computer games than that of playing conventional plays.

.... pursue is not the appropriate word for you to use here. Pursue means "follow (someone or something) to catch or attack them".

Nowadays, these applications are highly influenced by young children

... applications are not highly influenced by children, but children are highly influenced by these applications. So you need to change the order

without any loss of money.

without incurring any cost

In a nutshell, from these points of view, computer games have become a big menace for young world. So it is high time for parents and teachers to be active in reducing children's affinityaddiction towards these games.
OP somysojan 8 / 19 8  
Jan 31, 2013   #3
wow..dumi thanks alot for the correction... cud u plz tell wat score i may get for this essay?
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Jan 31, 2013   #4
In the present scenario, majority of youngsters incline to pursue computer games than that of conventional plays.

... Your sentence is too complex.. Let's simplify it.
Today, it is not an unfamiliar sight to see young children preferring computer games over conventional games.

The unprecedented changes in science and technology give rice to the invention of many amusement gadgets, especially gaming devices.

rice??? I think you mean rise... and I think it would be better to use "advancements" rather than "changes"
The rapid advancement in technology have given rise to many amusement gadgets, mainly focused on gaming.

For example, some computer games are available in three dimensional formats with higher sound effects and picture qualities, attract a large number of youngsters.

For example, some computer games are played in three dimensional environments, with high sound effects and life like picture quality. These features not only attract young children but also a certain percentage of young adults as well.

Playing games on computers or other devices bring about many adverse effects on kids.

... good.

Firstly, it hampers a child's academic excellence to a very large extent.

'... I think "hinders" would be more suitable than "hampers".

For instance, one who plays shooting game continuously becomes less emotionally sensitive to real world crimes.

... very good point.

You have very good points. But they need to be presented in a better manner. Hope this helps. :)


Home / Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) effects of electronic games on children
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳