The electronic media impacts on the alteration of human behavior which tends to be more individual

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The electronic media has significantly developed over the last decades and it leads to the use of information technology being popular. While most people regard that this conveys negative consequences for the individual relationship between citizens, I firmly agree with that idea since it results in several serious problems for them.

The advance technology has several positive impacts which are to ease people to communicate. It is because even though it is high technology, it is friendly-user so everybody can operate it easily. It helps people to share any information which is accessible for everyone. Furthermore, it enables to have a face-to-face conversation online although they live in different countries. As a result, the way of communication is changed to be uncomplicated while its cost is more affordable.

On the other hand, it impacts on the alteration of human behavior which tends to be more individual. After many gadget applications are available on the internet, people more likely to spend a long period of time using their gadget, the trend impacts on their individual relationship. Although they have the opportunity to attract people around directly, they are too busy with their gadget and lack to attract with their family members. Furthermore, the relationship with people who live far away is more harmonious than close family since they tend to connect trough their mobile device than direct communication.Consequently, people will have a problem how to engage with society.

In conclusion, while some argue that the relationship of people will be fragile since the existing electronic device existing, I keenly agree with that issue since there are several problems will be occurred.

Hi Lincoln, your essay is a very good attempt at providing you with a high possible score for the prompt. Your paraphrasing and presentation of opinion in the first paragraph is acceptable and shows that, although your language might be weak, you actually did understand the instruction provided for the discussion. Succeeding discussions might have some mis-used words such as "friendly-user" which should have been "user-friendly", but your discussion contained coherent ideas that resulted in an acceptable cohesion in the overall paragraph presentation. I applaud you for your desire to use a higher level of vocabulary and your obvious attempt at creating better complex sentences. Overall, I believe your band scores would be as follows:

Task Accuracy - 6
Cohesiveness & Cohesion - 6
Lexical Resource - 6
Grammar Accuracy & Range - 6

Basically, I think you stand a pretty good chance of further improvement in your band scores based upon your performance in this writing task. Keep up the good work. You are getting to the point where you need to be in order to pass the test.

I can see the reason why did your essay cannot go beyond 6.0. This is because your conclusion is still unclear and it looks repetitive from what you have been written in the introduction paragraph. You didn't use your paraphrasing skill effectively for this part. Thus, to reach 6.5 or possibly 7 in terms of Task Response, you are suggested to make a clear conclusion with more than just a single sentence like what you have written in this essay.

In addition, another essential assessment criteria is Coherence and Cohesion. In this part, if you want to reach 6.5 or possible 7, you need to create not only a clear progression in the introduction paragraph (which you didn't make. Actually, I would prefer to give you 5 for this part), but also you must write a clear progression for each paragraph. This means, a clear topic sentence and concluding sentence for each paragraph should be written clearly. This condition would be beneficial towards your final assessment later on.