Elite Training - [IELTS TASK2] - young people should be required to stay in full-time education?

TO cultivate more brilliant people

TOPIC:
Some people think that all young people should be required to stay in full-time education until they are at least 18 years old.
To what extend do you agree or disagree?

This is my answer:

With the improvement of our social educational system, training more and more elite can bring stronger international competition to a certain country. Some people argue that every child should be educated till adulthood. Although education is very important to the development of society, accepting education should according to conditions of individual.

On the one hand, it is national future to cultivate more brilliant people. Allowing every juveniles to obtain sufficient knowledge in order to reserve enough people to build our home. Due to one country need people with creative and intelligence who can contribute themselves to society, in this way, both the enterprises or national authorities will have more voice and competitiveness in the international stage. For example, the US have advanced education system, not only it serve to natives but it also appeal to amount of global students coming to America, which enable the USA have the most of creative companies in the world.

On the other hand, not every children have enough talent to pass their courses. Because of the intelligence varied for different people, like comprehension, which prevent them to finish their studies. Furthermore, the gift to some kid maybe not in academics, but in the other aspects, which can allows them succeed in their own realm. For example, some people are stronger than others when they was born, so they can becoming a athletes, who are leave school and participate in physical training in their young age, although they might lack knowledge in academic, they still can make great achievements.

In conclusion, sending children to school to obtain knowledge are beneficial to individual and our society, however, we should consider intelligence level of different people and we could send them to accept proper education.

Hello, i'll try my best to help you.

Your essay is quite good, almost the idea are clear except for the introduction due to the lack of thesis centences. Because this is agurmentative essay, so you must add your own opinion about the problem. For instance, this topic asks "To what extent do you agree or disagree", you should write "In my opinion/From my point of view, despite the potential risks the pose, they does have many beneficial effects on individuals" or "I strongly agree/disagree with this statement". Thesis centences are very important for achieving higher Ielts score, especially in these kind of essay.

Good luck!

@luminous
Hi there.

Welcome to the forum. Let me try to help you as well - and I hope that my feedback will be of value to you.

Firstly, try to focus on creating a firmer academic tone in your writing by omitting the usage of techniques that do not benefit you. For instance, don't just mention that there are "more and more elite" - instead, use words such as increasing amount to add a better flow.

Furthermore, the example in your third paragraph can be improved. Remember that examples are better if they are are based on concrete information instead of blatant words. Try to focus more on the usage of these information than anything else.

Best of luck always in your writing endeavors.

hi, I think your idea is pretty. But it would be better if you dont have some grammatical errors in general.

I'll show some:
"accepting education should be according to ..."
"Due to Because one country needs people with creativity and ..."
"which enables the USA have"
"which can allows them to succeed"

@Maria
Could you tell me some grammar mistake that is my weakness part in my essay. Thanks for your advice and I will improve it.