Please help me and give me any comments and suggestions
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught
to co-operative rather than compete become more useful adults.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
In the modern word, the way children build up their characters is very important. If they educate well then we will have a
good society and if not, many problems will be occurred. One of these educations for children is the sense of competition.
In this piece of writing, I would like to express my personal views about whether children should encourage to compete and
is it better that we encourage them to work together rather to compete with each other.
There are reasons which prove that competition is useful for children. Firstly, reaching to many things in our life needs
to compete with other people. Then, children should learn it and if they couldn't compete with others, they eill not be
succeed in their future. Secondly, without a real competition, we couldn't understand which children is better. This means
that we should see them in the same level. Thus, nobody could find that which children could be better in specific areas,
such as education. Finally, competition encourages children to work harder and try more for their future.
However, competition has some negative effects when it compare to co-operative works. The major reason is that competition
can have a negative effect on some children. It destroys their sprite and then departs them from community. Moreover, it
can affect children relationship with their peers. Team work, on the other hand, can give them a sense of sharing and
promote ethical values.
Personally I think that although competition has some negative effects, but it is necessary for living and people should
encourage their children to be the best in their positions. Besides, co-operative works help children to share their ideas
with their friends and it is also constructive and should be considered by parents.
they educate => they ARE educateD
I think you just have to write 1 sentence as the motivator.
I would like to express... => You need to state that you are going to discuss both these views too.
useful => I'd use GOOD
reaching to many things in our life needs to compete with other people => IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE GOALS IN LIFE, CHILDREN need to compete with OTHERS.
Then => THEREFORE
couldn't => CAN'T
be succeed => it must be either "be SUCCESSFUL" or "SUCCEED"
couldn't understand => WON'T BE ABLE TO understand
which children is better => which CHILD is better
This mean that we should see them in the same level => This sentence is not clear. Revise it!
Thus nobody could find that which children could be better in specific areas. => You are repeating what you just said in the two previous sentences, just in a little different way. Don't repeat yourself!
Instead of listing the advantages, I think you should concentrate on explaining only 1 or 2 advantages properly, and try to give an example if possible.
Also, use synonyms for words like "compete" or "could" or "better".