Please give feedback and score.A breakdown of proportion of House Equipment Category which have been used frequently by Australian household that was presented in first pie chart, while the second pie chart showed the percentage of greenhouse gas emissions which was produced by household equipment.
Overall, heating category hit the highest percentage of household equipment which frequently used by Australian Family. In the other hand, water heating category was containing a large quantity of greenhouse emissions among others.
Heating and water hwas used by 42 % and 30 % Family in Australia, while cooling and heating only obtain 2 % and 4 % respectively. The rest 22 % Australian Household was using refrigeration and other appliances for their activity.
For the result of their daily energy use, water heating generated 32 % Greenhouse emissions while Heating only produce 15 %. Refrigeration and other aplliances produced 20 % greenhouse emissions more than they was used ( Used by 22 % Australian Family ). For the last, Cooling and Lighting got the lowest side effect by 3 % and 8 % respectively.
Furqanda, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing band descriptors for task 1.
Task Achievement
- You were able to generally address the task, but unfortunately the format was inappropriate in places. I have no idea why did you separate your overview and introduction paragraph. This made your band score only reached 5.0
Coherence and Cohesion
- There are some inaccurate cohesive devices, such as 'in the other hand' should be 'on the other hand', 'for the last' should be 'lastly or eventually (but it should be after a long process)', 'for the result' should be 'as a result', and repetitiveness of 'while'. This makes your score cannot go beyond 5.0 in this part.
Lexical Resource
- Unfortunately, noticeable errors about word formation(s) in your essay cause the difficulty to the reader. For example, aplliances > appliances, hwas > was, and refrigeration > refrigerator(s). This is also followed by the limited usage of your vocabulary. You accidentally or unconsciously wrote 'household' 4 times, equipment 3 times, and heating 6 times. This is also the problem which makes you only score 5.0
Grammatical Range and Accuracy
- This is the most problematical issue in your essay. Sadly, you've made a wrong interpretation towards the essay. Due to the fact that there is no exact timeline, you are only allowed to use present tense, present perfect, of if it is possible, present continuous. Using past perfect and past tense were a wrong move. This is bad according to band descriptor, some structures are accurate, but errors are predominate(negative feature of band 4.0)
Thus, in my opinion, your essay is worth between 4.5 - 5.0. Which means, you need to keep practice and practice for your future enhancement in writing. However, this is only my prediction score, perhaps other members have different perspective, you can choose which one is the best for you. :)
Hi Furqanda, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find this website helpful and useful to your writing references and should you need further assistance to everything that concerns your English practice, do let us know so we can assist you further.
Now, going back to your analysis, I believe it is written fairly well, the words you choose also depicts the information given in the pie graph and staying close to the facts and figures of the graph is the best way to come up with a good analysis.
However, you have to work on your linking verbs, this are the, "should", "the", "that", that will complete the sentences and this will give your essay a much stronger effect. I hope this insights helped.
Hi Furqanda, a warm welcome to you from essay from.
Actually, im interested in your title, so I come stop by.
Firstly, you should notice that in writing IELTS Task 1, introduction should be explained clearly with the paraphrase of the questions and an interesting point. It takes around 2-3 sentences.
However, as can be seen in your description, you divide the paraphrase and overview in two respectively paragraphs. I think that it is not neccessary. Besides, each of your paragraph is very short.
A new paragraph migh be introduced if you allocate another point of view or add any illustration or example, according to the previous paragraph. You might also make it if you think that your paragraphs seems too long. However, the one that you must recognize is, Have I already made a well-structured sentences on this paragraph?
Therefore, I strongly suggest you to produce an appropriate paragraph, by having 2-3 sentences, and a well-structured idea and sentences.
Thats all from me.
May it helps
