Ielts: English-speaking country teacher (notice / advertisement)

You are living in an English-speaking country and want to arrange some English lessons to help with your job. You notice an advertisement for an English teacher who lives nearby. Write a letter to the local teacher.

In your letter:

explain where you saw the advertisement.
say what and why you want to study.
suggest where and when you would like to study.

Dear sir,

I am writing with regards to your advertisement in The Newsweek magazine, Issue 190 about teaching business English language.

I need to update my English language regularly, In addition to improve my business English writing skills, as I am a general manager secretary in the Local bank.

In fact I tried an English course in a private institute. It was really good unless I cannot follow their schedule time, furthermore the site of the institute is far from my home. So it is very good idea to get private classes in my locality, as your place is.

I am entitled to ask for your help as soon as possible as i need urgent help, and I have decided that I would like next week start if possible. In addition I would like you to phone me personally when you receive this letter.

I am looking to forward to your prompt response.

yours Faithfully

Hadi Ibrahim

Dear sir,

I am writing with regards to your advertisement in The Newsweek magazine, Issue 190 about teaching business English language.
This makes you sound like you're looking for a job, rather than looking for a teacher. I would say "about the Business English classes you offer", or "about your Business English classes."

I need to update my English language regularly. In addition to improve my business English writing skills, as I am a general manager secretary in the Local bank. You don't "update" your English unless you just came back from the 19th century :) I'd rather say "My job as a general manager in the local bank requires me to improve my command of English, especially in writing and speaking." In fact, I tried an English course in a private institute and it was really good. However, I cannot follow their schedule (schedule = time table, there is no need for the word "time" here) , furthermore the site of the institute is far from my home. So it is very good idea to get private classes in my locality (locality is kind of a formal word that I only see on job applications and such - maybe it has to do with where I come from, I think "neighbourhood" would sound less serious. I am fine with locality though) , as your place is.

I would like("entitled" means it is your utmost right to demand for something, or to get something. In this case, I am sure you are not "entitled" to get a service from a teacher. He has his rights to choose his students, right?) to ask for your help as soon as possible as I need urgent help, and I have decided that I would like to start next week if possible. In addition, I would like you to phone me personally when you receive this letter.

I am looking (no "to" here, to forward means you're looking to send his letter to another person) forward to your response ("prompt" sounds really demanding. You wouldn't want a student like that, would you?) .

Y ours Faithfully

Hadi Ibrahim

I haven't touched IELTS writing for a long, long time so my skill might be a bit rusty. However, I've pointed out the problems that I can tell from just reading it once. For IELTS writing tactics, like how to make your essay REALLY LONG, I guess you have to check with your teacher, or your books if you are studying with just books like I did :)