IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career

Folks, I am preparing for my IELTS exam. Kindly need your comment on this essay ya.. :-)

cheers,

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school both views and give your opinion

"If money is your hope for independence you will never have it. The only real security that a man will have in this world is a reserve of knowledge, experience, and ability". The proverb which may be the answer of teenagers' hesitancy after completing their high school, whether to continue their study into higher level or directly look for a job. While a huge number of benefits to finding a position in workforce straight, I would argue that it is better to go to university.

Getting a job straight after school is probably interesting for some teenagers. It can be understood knowing that many college graduates seem hard to find a job. In fact, they graduated with a good GPA. In Indonesia, for instance, at least 360000 new graduates are still unemployed. On the other hand, without having high educational background, vocational high school alumni can get a suitable job based on their own expertise and skills. By doing so, they are able to become financially independent from their parents as soon as possible. Moreover, they they will be able to start earning for their living and finally afford their own house or start a new happy family. In terms of career, those who decide to find work, may find their career develop more rapidly. It is because they start work earlier and gain many meaningful experiences to enrich their practical skills. It is obviously related to promotions for a higher position.

In other side, numbers of the inhabitants believe that the best way to get better future is to have the high level of education. Juveniles who are apt to study at university firmly believe that the best way to find a job with competitive salary which end up prosperities is education. To illustrate, world challenging needs the contribution of professional people who have high qualifications. For example, it is not viable to reach high technologies without the assistance of experts. Therefore, university graduates put effort into accessing better job opportunities with professional and vocational qualifications and earn higher salaries than those with fewer qualifications. Also, numerous sophisticated and proficient people have many tremendous achievements. To clarify, many professions have a host of inventions. As a result, those achievements make some youngsters considerably more passionate about pursuing their studies.

In conclusion, there is more a great possibility to whom it may have higher levels of education to be successful.

giving spaces between paragraph is more friendly for reader eyes :D


...earning


... they might bother their parents


....I am afraid that this sounds overuse idea

...High education prospects a better live. For instance, as the consequence of high salary and the job responsibility, managerial position requires people who qualifying in high education. Presumably, better position is associated with high education. Some qualified people have likewise a big chance to stand in higher position. In any case of uneducated people, it is impossible to gain good position in a company.


... consider to avoid tone of creative writing in the academic form[i].

hopefully help you..
cheers :D

It is better if you state your opinion right in the introduction.


By doing so, they are able to become financially independent from their parents as soon as possible.


You should pay attention to the consistent use of nouns and possessive adjectives.


they decided to secure a job and start earning for their living


Do you mean that money brings them happiness?


they still have to rely on their parents due to financial constraints.


the number of


You should explain why higher education will lead to a better future. This sentence just repeats the idea of your previous sentence.


This is not always true as far as I'm concerned.


This is not about educated or non-educated people, but about whether graduates should continue to study or start a career after school.

Here I see a few issues with your intro. I do not favor replacing the words that appear in your prompt with inappropriate synonyms extensively. You actually do not have to replace every single word with a new one. Instead you can paraphrase the prompt and present it in a different sentence structure. If you don't find an appropriate word to replace the key words in the prompt, in ( unless youhave a thorough knowledge about their usage) it is better you stick with the known words.

find it hard to secure a job


I find these two sentences are not coherent with the paragraph.


have a better future career prospect.



This sentence depicts the same idea as your previous sentence.


You could give an example of how knowledge from university or college are required in workplace, such as data processing skill or presentation skill, which I think is more convincing.


I have to reiterate that students who choose to continue to study further after their graduation are more likely to have a successful career.

Misterwandering...Thank you for your input and correction


Dumi.. I have tried to follow your instruction for my introductory. However, my intro does not satisfy you :-)

I would be very happy if you could let me know in detail which part of my intro should be corrected.

Thank you in advance

cheers,

Being at a univerity is better:
-gives time to find yourself
-harder to work pay check by pay check,
-school gives you a sense of comfort, knowing that can study something you honestly want to become


In this part of the paragraph can also include that someone who hasn't attended university would probably have a job where they would be working at minimum wage, so education is key in succiess.