Writing IELTS task 1 : the factors of global land degradation and its influence in three region

The main factors of agricultural land reduction in the world which are presented in the pie chart were over-grazing, deforestation, over-cultivation, and other reason. Related to the next table, it shows the percentage of land degradation which was caused by the factors in three zones during 1990s.

Overall, the biggest cause of global land degradation was over-gazing at 35 percent. At the time, over-gazing also was a factor which gave the highest percentage of reduction in Oceania. However, compared to other region, Europe had a largest area of land degradation at 23 percent, followed by Oceania at 13 percent, and the last was North America at 5 percent.

The biggest factor which caused the largest land of the reduction in Europe was deforestation at 9.8 percent, while it was over-cultivation in North America at 3.3 percent. In Oceania, the most reason caused the degradation of agricultural land was over-grazing, with the percentage of land degraded was 11.3 percent. However, it was an interesting fact in Oceania that over-cultivation gave no contribution to the degradation of land while it was quite influential in both North America and Europe.

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Hi ,

Please find my comments.

At the time, over-grazing also was a ...
However, compared to another region, Europe had a the largest area ...

Thanks,
Sinchana

Hi Ashela.
Please, you review my notes to enhance your score.
GOOD LUCK

... land reduction in the world which are (It 's better if you omit that) presented in the pie ...
... percentage of land degradation which was caused by the ...


Hi Ashela, I actually am surprised and confused when I saw your overview. I don't know why you located there. Besides that, you make that seemed detailed. Keep in your mind that you are supposed to avoid the detailed information in the overview (Like "35 percent"). Based on band descriptor, you have a probability to fall into the score band 5 because you recounted detail mechanically with no clear overview. You ought to explain detail in the body paragraph.

This is the example of overview below.
OVERALL, IT CAN BE OBVIOUSLY SEEN THAT THE PRIMARY REASON WHY HARVESTS OF THE AGRICULTURAL LAND LESSENED WAS OVER-GRAZING. MEANWHILE, TURNING TO PRODUCTIVITY OF THREE DIFFERENT AREAS, EUROPE SHOWED THE DEGRADATION MORE THAN OTHERS.