Factors which have an influence on men and women

Maitouyen282 9 / 26

Mar 19, 2017 #1

The prompt: The charts below show the results of a survey about what men and women say makes them most happy. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

What makes people happy?

The two different pie charts illustrate the percentage of factors which have an influence on women and men happiness. Overall, it is clear that while the factor that makes the former happy is being with family, achievement at work is the main factor affecting the latter joy.

With regard to women, being with family makes up the bulk of the pie chart, accounting for the largest proportion, approximately 37%. Financial security allocates to a slightly larger amount than good appearance 12% and 11%, respectively, with 25% being comprised achievement at work. By contrast, other factors occupy an average share, in the region of 15%.

This is contrast sharply with man gladness, where achievement at work amount constitutes the highest proportion, indicating the virtually identical level with women, nearly 25%. Likewise, there is the difference in other elements. While supporting a successful sports team represent a marginally taller share than doing hobbies, 18% and 17%, in turn, financial security and other factors both account for more than they did at women happiness, 15% and 24% respectively.

This is the wrong image
This is the right image

Holt Educational Consultant - / 15384

Mar 19, 2017 #2

To, the statement about the happiness factor that is exclusive to only men should be discussed as a separate statement. Remember only single or related topics can be discussed in the same paragraph. That difference represents the discussion of a main feature in the essay. It should have been fully discussed as a difference in the reasons or method by which men judge happiness differently from women. Please do not be careless in your writing. Once again you failed in the sentence format requirement. Do not ask me to explain or point it out to you. Learn to analyze and proofread your essay after you write it, prior to submission. These are format errors that are really easily avoided if you remain conscious of the format requirements and make sure to implement it properly. Your site for this essay will not be higher than a 4.

akbarmappiare 31 / 445

Mar 19, 2017 #3

Hi Maitou, there were a few improvements you needed.
First, make sure that you write is in your mind. I think there is the sentence inappropriately. You don't write "which have an influence", but it's better if you wrote "influencing female and male happiness". Following that, you should write at least three sentences in each paragraph to meet the requirement. Actually, you can add a sentence for your overview so that it consists of two sentences.

Turning to your first body paragraph, based on my assessment, you could not get the high score because you missed one of essential prompts. You are supposed to compare figures because there were three factors similar between men and women. It made your explanation less fascinating. Well, you exactly compared the data, but that happened in the second paragraph. You unsuccessfully review the figures entirely since you really focused on the female events.

To understand the seanse of writing task 1, I suggest you to read more example. Hopefully, those my suggestions can help you for improving your skill.

GOOD LUCK